Dear loyal readers,

I have been conspicuously absent the last month or so as I organize other very important parts of my life, but I must let you know that as of April, my blog will no longer be found at this address but instead will be found: http://smrboston.wordpress.com/

Please look to the new address for new content plus all this wonderful old content which will be happily preserved there.

With love,

Me.

I’ve been conversing with myself a lot these past two days.  I’ve been mostly alone, and just making up imaginary conversations with people in my head, which is probably the worst possible thing that any one person could do.  In your mind conversation, you can be SO melodramatic, and you always know the right thing to say, and the other person always says exactly the worst thing or maybe the perfect thing or whatever it is that you need them to say- so you just repeat the same conversation over and over again, changing a phrase, repeating a great moment, letting it spiral and spiral outward more and more until its a totally different conversation- and suddenly I am crying about something that never even happened.  I don’t know why I do it- or if it is something everyone does- and why I cannot just let it go, break it from my mind completely and be able to close my eyes and sleep- or move on to something more productive- but it never seems that I can.  I just want one peaceful night free of worry.  One restful sleep that is not mired in misery and fear.  If I had some drugs I would most certainly take them.  There is little I would not do to free myself from this feeling tonight.

So I suppose I lost the 100 word challenge, if we can define these sorts of things as won or lost- but the reason I didn’t make it was that I arrived home from Mohegan Sun at 4am Sunday morning after our exciting Saturday excursion.  It was one of my favorite memories to date with Jacob.  We just had the best time- it was perfect.  We arrived by 5:30 and went to eat at the buffet, which I always get a kick out of- I just cannot help but enjoy watching people (myself included) pile up ridiculously enormous plates of completely sumptuous food, eat half, and then go up and do it all over again.  They had some delicious meats.  We walked around the casino and gambled away a bit of money, I lost a 20- and then we headed on over to the Arena for the real purpose of our trip- the Rascal Flatts concert.   The seats were actually a LOT better than I thought they were going to be! They were, without question, the most humble, genial, warm group of performers I have ever seen!  They were signing things, giving kisses, telling wonderful stories- at one point they even invited a couple on stage, and the guy proposed to his girlfriend and then they serenaded them with “God Bless the Broken Road” while they had their first dance in front of everyone.  It was magical.  They played all the good songs, had awesome effects, and the best part for me, is they took a minute to thank everyone for buying tickets in these hard economic times.  I don’t know why but it really felt touching and sincere.  It was wonderful.
After the concert we spent almost two hours waiting for Jacob’s chosen blackjack table to open up, but in that time I figured out the ins and outs of the game and really enjoyed watching him play for about an hour or so before I decided to sit down at a neighboring slot machine.  I was joking around about wanting to play the playboy slots and there was a penny slot there that was playboy, so of course I chose it.  I hit the button once- and ended up winning $155.00!  So I cashed out right away and filed it right into my cruise fun!  I watched Jacob some more, got us coffees, and was having an all around blast- around 2am we decided we needed to call it quits so we hopped in the car and drove home- they whole time Pandora played ridiculous Broadway and movie duets and we sang them together so we wouldn’t fall asleep.  It was one of those nights that I try to hold on to as a memory when I am alone for these long stretches of time.. I haven’t seen him since then, you see, and probably won’t until tomorrow night- or maybe even later, who knows? He might be dead- I have no idea.   At least I can remember that huge amount of fun and feel grateful that I get to have good memories with people that I care about.

I’m going to head to bed now- back to the old work routine in the a.m.

It has been three years and I still think about you.  I feel like a traitor to my own sense of feminist methodology.  The way your voice dips when you laugh, the enthusiastic way your eyes light up when you’re excited, the keen judgment that always seemed a little bit more advanced than it should be for someone your age.  I don’t think another man has made me feel like I needed to be smarter, braver, more thoughtful just to match them.  I miss it so much.  I wish I could reach over the partition and touch you tonight.

Yesterday I felt so uncomfortable at coffee and I am hoping he is a bright enough man to take the hint. A nice man, certainly, but it felt like I was filling in for something more than just a coffee partner- I was all the women of Boston, all the human contact of nine months, every hope for a union of Africa and the United States and that, my friends, is just too much pressure for one girl to bear. That and nothing bothers me more than being forced into a hug that is ten seconds too long.

What an exciting day today was, I can hardly imagine being able to contain it into one hundred words.  I did work very hard at Suffolk, and was asked to sing The National Anthem at Graduate Commencement this year!  Then, when I got home from coffee with Mimoun, Alexis and I booked a 7 Day Cruise for September!  I am going to be visiting Grand Cayman, Honduras, Belize and Mexico!  I gives me motivation to stay on my diet so that I can celebrate lots of hard work with delicious food and respectable looks in a bathing suit.

LOST is invading my mind these days.  With the premiere so close, I am picking up my old habit of cruising the Internet reading theories, searching for clues and looking at pictures.  Today I watched the first and second episode of last season on Hulu at work. I almost allowed myself to get sucked in until I realized that I have an enormous project to do and absolutely no supervision.  I’m spending a lot of time thinking about Hurley.  Everyone loves him, of course, but I worry about where he’ll end up at the end of this journey.

…or at least nine hundred.  So this week I am trying a little experiment in which I write an entry every day that consists of no more or no less than one hundred words, including the title, plus an accompanying photograph. Starting with this entry.

I imagine this is going to be a challenge because most people do not realize how quickly one hundred words go by. I’ve barely said hello and it is already time to say goodbye- but isn’t that just like life though? Never enough time to listen and be heard.

Parfois, les choses qui sont tellement imprévu. Vous êtes progressait à votre propre rythme et soudain, quelque chose se met sur votre chemin et comment les changements que vous voyez le monde. Tout à coup, vous êtes pleins d’idées que vous n’avez jamais pensé était possible, et votre esprit se remplit de pensées que vous restez la nuit. Je veux vraiment que cela soit mon commencement. Je suis prêt. Je suis tellement pleine d’amour. Le ciel est plus bleu tant qu’il ne l’était la semaine dernière. Priez pour moi. Répondre à mes prières, Dieu que j’aime tant.

Sometimes I feel like Leda- constantly fucked over by a big, horny bird.