blog.urbanvirgin.net

Lux Et Spes

Wow. I cannot believe it has been five years since Stonehill graduation. I just got home from an evening spent with friends walking around campus, seeing what has changed and what has not. I’ve created a little picture montage of our afternoon and evening for your enjoyment:

Jenna, Aaron and I sneak into the dark room! This was taken in the pitch blackness!

Jenna and I in the dark room! Blurry because its so dark in there!

I got an A in photo class because I was so good at setting the timer I am pointing to here.

So, then we snuck over to the piano lab. Here is a picture of me on the very piano I sat at in class. This is the face I used to make.

Here is my C+ piano! Poor thing, it deserved better than me.

We met up with John and a very pregnant Erin!

and Meg and a very pregnant Gretchen!

We enjoyed a yummy buffet of cake and bread and steak tips.

After dinner we decided to take a walk and found a trailer park in the parking lot behind O’Hara hall.

I visited my old freshman year dorm room!

John, Erin, Jenna and Aaron demonstrate that their is no longer a road in front of O’Hara. Behind them is the amazing new science building.

We visit the Grotto.

Meanwhile, back at the mixer, the love of my life arrives (he biked all the way from Stoughton!)

We were very happy to be reunited.

All in all I had a wonderful time and wish I could have stayed so much longer! I love Stonehill so much and I will never forget all the amazing people that I met there. I am so lucky!

Ever Virgin.

“you change like sugar cane” says my northern lad…

I slept alone a lot this week.

There are many nights when I go to bed with so many things and people beside me, upon me, inside me- filling me up and scouring me clean or rubbing their dirt into me- but this week, in silence, most every night, my mind was just an echoing sound, quiet and white like a fan, and it was good.

I slept well and deeply, I cried only as I wished to and not for long- only to release what came to my pillow with me- anger and frustration- trying to rectify wonder and awe with pain and saddness.  I was able to cast them all out of bed with me.  Perhaps it is the newness and cleanness in the air.  Perhaps because I have too many social occassions to fill my calendar and don’t need to rely on who is home to keep me company.  Perhaps I am just tired of aching for things I don’t have control over and being angry with myself over perfectly rational feelings.

Sometimes I feel like I lost my best friend.  Then I remember.  I did. I have. and history repeats itself over and over again.  That used to knaw on me, keep me up at night- tack itself right on to any other emotion and make it ten times worse but now- now- I barely feel it.  I’m worth more.  I am the best friend a best friend could ever need and if those best friends out there cannot hack it they can move on- because I am not changing the way I love a friend to suit their substandard desires.  I won’t do it.  I’m going to love you anyway.

And I sleep better now.

And sometimes I forget to miss you.

And sometimes I remember not to miss you.

Ever Virgin.

How did this happen??

Seamus sleeps on my back.

The most terrible poverty is loneliness, and the feeling of being unloved.~ Mother Theresa

Sometimes I feel so used up.  I know that I have choices in this life- choices about what I can do and who I can spend time with and what I do and do not do for others.  I know, logic is present.  I know that I don’t have to bend over backwards in service to people.  But I do.  I do absolutely everything that is asked of me and more.  Then I get mad at myself for expecting in return, love and respect and companionship.  I am furious with myself that I get sad when people seem to not care about my feelings.  I should not care about them, if they do not care about me- but I do, I do care.

Then, I try to convince myself that I am a bad person, not worthy of attention or care- not worthy of praise and gratitude.  I try to extoll all my faults until I am convinced that people should treat me as they do- like I am nothing, like I am worthless.  Even though my logic tells me I am being irrational- it just hurts too much to think that I love someone so much that doesn’t care about me.

So ultimately I sit here, with tears so close to the surface of my eyes that I can actually feel them hanging under the lids, heavy and fuzzy, and stew in my anger and hate every minute that I feel so alone.  Why do I feel so alone?  Why do I feel so unloved?  How did this happen?  How did I become someone who feels like they have to earn the love that they give so freely to others?

I just want him to come home.  I hate being here alone and that makes me feel stupid.  I am a stupid, stupid, stupid stupid girl.

Ever virgin.

Have mercy upon me, O Lord, for I am in trouble: mine eye is consumed with grief, yea, my soul and my belly.~ Psalm 31

Despite being tired, today was a really very beautiful day.  The perfect temperature and the bluest most beautiful sky.  Lavan was happy.  I was happy.  And even though I have been mostly alone today, I don’t feel that sad.  I kept myself busy and appreciated the company of the animals, I took steps to actively not miss my roommate- as I have been all week, and did fine.  It was only just a moment ago that he flew in the door to grab a shirt for tomorrow and then hopped out without so much as a sentence.  I felt overwhelmingly sad watching the car headlights backing out of our driveway.  It was the leaving.  It is the leaving that is hard for me.  Not the sustained distance- mentally, physically, or emotionally- but the finite motion of breaking from someone without knowing if it is the last time.  Oh, I am aware that thought borders on emo and is just a touch melodramatic- but nevertheless, there it is.  Despite my best intentions, I tear up when I see someone I care about turn away and leave me.  I am my Mother waving at the bus as I drove off to board a plane to France.  I am every cliché movie soundtrack that swells as the brave army recruit salutes his veteran father, or the gaggle of school children present single flowers to a room of fire fighters.  I am the commemorative coin depicting the heroic rescue of some small child from some unfeasibly small gully.  There is nothing to be done.

I’m completely exhausted beyond any reasonable degree.  I got what I would consider to be a normal amount of sleep last night- a solid 5-6 hours, but almost from the point of my being awake, I was falling back to sleep again.  Even though I had Lavan with me at work, I still was drowsy in my office, and on the train.  I perked up a little at the dog park, where Lavan played with like 13 other dogs and had a blast and completely exhausted herself beyond any reasonable manifestation of her usual hyper dogness- so much so that she slept continuously from the point we arrived home, but that perkiness was not long held, for as soon as I settled into my couscous and Center Stage, I was fighting off my eyes closing.  I threw some laundry in and decided to play a quick game of Harvest Moon, but could barely keep myself from falling over and did dose off for a few seconds at a time several times.  I just don’t know what is making me so sleepy!  I would go see the doctor if I wasn’t afraid of what other things they would want me to do.

On Monday, I am going to try to start getting back to the gym on a regular basis, that might improve my health and mood and fatigue a little, but who knows really.

Ever Virgin.

A long journey home, or a road wide and narrow? I know my way, but I can hardly find it.~Shannon Rosa, The Year of the Serpent

I have so much to say about the Opera, but words fail me.  How does one accurately portray the feeling of pride, the overwhelming satisfaction of justified ownership, and the absolute child-like delight of seeing a creation of your wildest imagination manifest itself in a true, real, and very grown-up way. I don’t know if I can find the words.

It seems like I’ve been talking about this Opera forever.  From the moments of conception where Erin, Jacob, and I pushed salads, and then Thai food, and then pizza, around our plates as we fed our more deeply rooted hunger for creativity- to the hours I spent caressing and modifying every turn of phrase, lovingly adorning my characters with their sense of self, imbuing them with history, and comedy, and richness- to the publicity deluge, including the photo shoots, press releases, endless interviews and synopsis.  So many words, and yet, in the end, I haven’t found what I want to say.

Yes, of course, there is Thank You.  Thank you to my amazing cast, who breathed their own life into my words, to the crackerjack crew, especially Paul and Jim who helped me to make it through the parts that were a particular challenge, to the glorious, uncompensated musicians for loving music more than money, to Amy for her wonderful attitude and infinite patience as she guided our puppet dog through nightly abuse, to Everett for giving us his generosity over and over and providing costumes I could never have imagined.  He saw my girls in a way I could not, and then showed me all I had been missing.  To Scott for finding our musician’s voices, cultivating them with love and care, and always trying to give what he could, and most importantly to Erin and to Jacob.  Erin who is the heart of my words, the music of my mind- she took my very soul and set it to music, it is a gift I never imagined I could ever find.  And to Jacob.  Jacob who in a very short span on time has given to me a little family when I am away from my own.  His part in my life extends so far beyond the direction of the staging of this show that it must be stated that there would be no Serpent without him.  Hours and hours and hours together doing everything that no one else thought to do or cared to do.  Never once a harsh word.  My teammate, my best friend. He could see it all, everything that I wished for, and he made it come true.  His beautiful set.  His lyrical staging.  All of it with a humility and modesty that he saved especially for me in our slow rides home after everyone else was long parted.  The thanks could go on and on, each wave of gratitude more earnest than the next.

My heart is also so grateful for every one of my friends who came to see the show.  I know I am involved in a lot of shows, and seeing them isn’t always easy, but this is, I believe, one of the most exciting things that has ever happened to me, and to know so many people loved and cared about me, it makes it even more miraculous.  Thank you Leslie, Jeremy, Kyle, Joanna, Rachel, Robyn, Steve, Joe, Christa, Steven, Robyn, Mark,  Jen, Kathryn, Annie, Jason, Sharlene, Dan, Jo, Kacee, KMac, Tom, Jordan, Roger, Leif (!), Jason and Dad for all of your journeys to pilgrimage love for me.  I hardly feel I am worth it, and love you all the more for it.

I want to be a writer with all of my heart and soul.  I want people to know that living inside me is a world of beauty that could never hope to reflect itself in what they could see from the outside.  For the first time in my life, when I saw them up there, singing my words, I felt beautiful.  More beautiful than cosmetics, or clothes, or diets could ever make me.  I felt like the biggest part of me, the part of me that I love the most, was there for all to see, finally.  I’ve never felt so real.  I cannot say it better or with more finesse.  I suppose that when it comes to me, I am still just that much more a fool whose words don’t fit together.

I’m so exhausted, deeply to my bones I am aching with the fatigue that comes when you know a show is at its end.  Tomorrow we travel down to Providence to meet with some men who run a production company who specializes in Kung Fu movies.  They might be interested in making a film out of our humble piece.  If that were to happen, I don’t know what I would do with myself.  It’s more than I ever dared to hope for and am completely unprepared.   This could be it.  Our chance.

Thank you.  Thank you.  Thank you.  From the bottom of my heart. You’ve helped me to fulfill my dream.  I am so grateful.

Ever Virgin.

If you ever catch on fire, try to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror, because I bet that’s what REALLY throws you into a panic.~ Jack Handy

Swine Flu is everywhere.  No, not the actual flu- just the media construct.  Never in my life have I seen such wide-spread rediculousness over something so silly.  Perhaps I am being naive.  Real danger could be lurking around the corner, ready to spring forth from the sty and end my useless life.  But, until that time, I would prefer to live in the blissful ignorance of this child:

Suffolk sent us an email citing their own personal information about the “swine-origin flu (H1N1) outbreak”.  You can see what they have to say here: http://www.suffolk.edu/offices/932.html. They also urged us thusly:

If you are diagnosed with swine flu, please let your supervisor and Human Resources know so that we can assess potential exposures and risks for other members of Suffolk University.

It is sort of scary to think that our places of business are thinking of these sorts of things!  At least Suffolk has a plan and is taking proactive steps, right?  I suppose if this were a real epidemic then I would feel good knowing Suffolk had my back.

But wow. The media has done a great job making this into a big deal.

Ever Virgin.

Laughter and tears are both responses to frustration and exhaustion . I myself prefer to laugh, since there is less cleaning up to do afterward.~ Kurt Vonnegut

I did it.  30 poems for 30 days.  It became so habitual that I just turned on the computer with the express intention of writing my nightly poem before I realized it wasn’t necessary.  I mean, I am still going to try to write on a regular basis, daily, even, if possible, but it was really comforting to be able to know exactly what my responsibilities were with regard to writing before I even got to the blog page.  Some important things to know about the month of May:

1. The opera is coming up next week.  I’m nervous and excited.  I have worked harder on this show than I have ever worked on a show outside of Stonehill before.  I am waking up in 5 hours to get to the wholesale flower market in time to buy lilys and sticks to make the rest of the props.  Then off to a morning rehearsal followed by making the puppet (at the Sagers no less) and then probably running more opera errands before falling into an exhausted sleep to get up for church, set load in, rehearsal and costume fittings.  Forget about an actual weekend!  I really hope everyone comes out to see it, so all my hard work will not be in vain.  www.juventasmusic.com for tickets.

2. I am back on the diet and exercise bandwagon after a brief roadblock of broken foot and opera business.  I am tempted to launch into more details, but honestly, who cares.  A diet is just that- a cutting out of things you love in favor of better health and happiness.  I could use a little more of both, so we’ll see how it goes.  Get thinner- take two!

3. I would like to go on a vacation to Aruba this fall- does anyone have any advice or potential good things to look out for in the world of vacationing to said island?  I need to start saving now, so when the time comes for us to book, I’ll be ready.

That’s all for now, my eyes are closing on me, so it must be sleepiface time!

Ever Virgin.

Mantre

Alone like me
Pain is just a crutch to use
To get you through a day
To remind yourself that you can feel
And you are valid, true, and real
It simply isn’t hard to see.

Ever Virgin.

Eyes on Fire

It is hard to see
quite literally-
I have, in my way
the cloudy mask of
what makes a spring
inspiring
buds and flowers
and Opera scores
an angry director
and the ticking clock of my heart
which aches for
someone to tell me “It’s okay”
the strong arms of a hug
that isn’t begged for in some way.
I can barely see-
and it hurts to try
I avert my eyes
or close them
try to lubricate them with
tears or ointments or petals of flowers
but burning there
beyond the surface
that is both dry and red,
is the real pain
lost, so lost
behind the smile I always have for you
ever so much more
yours
than anyone ever dared to be
behind my eyes
lies
the reasons why
that you will never see.

Ever Virgin.