This turtle is carrying Mary with her. Awesome.

Ever Virgin.

I had an absolutely phenomenal weekend, thanks in a very great part to my dear Alexis, for whom I have much to thank.  When I am around her, I feel an overwhelming sense of security and safety- I don’t have to hide anything about who I am, she knows parts of me that you can only know by scrapping at the deepest caverns of the inside of me, but she knows these things implicitly, as if she just looked at me and knew what was there, without ever having to dig.  Perhaps it is a function of the length of our friendship, or, as with Kacee, or Kyle, the particular moment that our paths collided wove an invisible and indestructible band around us, binding us together in a way that another person in another time or place wouldn’t be able to access.  Whatever the case, Alexis being here this weekend made me feel, for lack of a more appropriate word, cherished.  It isn’t that those around me on a daily basis don’t express to me that I am important to them- they certainly do, to their credit, it’s just that Alexis was truly grateful for my company.  Spending time with me was the most valuable thing she could possibly think of.  With her here, I felt, even for a short time, like someone’s first choice.  It’s an underfelt emotion that I am exceptionally lucky to even get to have for a few minutes.  Perhaps I am not meant to ever feel like someone’s first choice on a daily basis, whether I am unworthy or just unlucky, but it really was nice, and really was appreciated to feel that way this weekend.
I’m going to bed now because I was extremely active these last few days and my body hasn’t quite caught up- I’m looking forward to a work week that is significantly quieter and more lonesome now that Jeremy is gone.  I’m going to miss having that safe friend around the corner.  I’m going to miss my standing lunch date too- at lest Lava will be here soon to take his place

Ever Virgin.

It is hard, isn’t it? You go to bed one day feeling like a million bucks and you wake up in the morning and see the walls flaking all around you, leaving you in the middle of the floor on a bare mattress looking at the ceiling, quite confused and lonesome.

Lots of the people in my life are making transitions right now. Some are simply making a change of location- a new job, a new home- some are making changes in their lifestyles- getting married, having babies- but it seems like everywhere I look, things are not as they once were. Of course, everything changes. One cannot expect to know where everything is going to be from one day to the next- but as it stands, I am growing weary of always being on guard for when the next change will come around and smack me in the face.

Some people move through friends and relationships as if through water, gently drifting over one rock and the next, never fully taking root anywhere but always seeming to belong to all places at once. I am not that kind of friend. I root deeply in one location and try to place myself somewhere where I can reach all the things that are important to me. I cannot be like one that floats on the water- I have tried, but I just sink and drown in my own feelings of shallowness. I know I demand a lot from people, that my demands on a friend are more than your typical demands and I hold everyone around me to higher standards, which means, of course, that I am much more likely to be disappointed. But I cannot seem to accept that fact that people I love and care for are consistently failing on a day to day basis.

Stop being selfish. Stop being mean. Stop using other people as an excuse for your bad behavior. Account for your own negative actions, apologize, learn and grow. Just love each other. It doesn’t take long until you look up and suddenly find that no one is the same anymore, and trust me, it sucks to get left behind in the race to be more and better. I’m tired of racing. I want to feel like the people around me love me no matter what. That they know their actions matter because they effect me and other people in their lives. I don’t feel like running around trying to please people for the ten seconds of appreciation I get once every six months. Maybe that’s over dramatic, but its true- I can’t keep up the stamina.

When one person’s arms around you makes you burst into tears at the novelty of it- then you know there’s a problem.

There is a problem.

Ever Virgin.

How does one inaugurate a blog? Do I welcome my readers, as if they were entering a new home- everything lined up perfectly, free of dust and pollution, with the greatest of expectations? Do I give a fair warning that my home sometimes gets dark and messy- that sometimes the colors don’t go together and the upholstery is thick and scratchy? Or is it something else? Do I promise them fun, whimsy, laughs and tears, stupid pictures, video, witty banter? I don’t know.

What I do know is that I am a writer. And a writer writes. For quite some time now I have been abandoning the somewhat tired platform of live journal. It served me well and loyally since 2002, and I was its faithful companion for most of that tenure- but it holds within its pages a lot of memories that I am ready to set aside. I loved and lost much through those pages. I’m ready for a new book.

Ultimately, the urbanvirgin domain should be something more than just a blog, but until the time comes for me to spread into other corners of my mind to pull out the good gunk of creativity from the pool of uselessness, these humble words are all I can offer.

Thank you for being my muses, my brood, and my home off of paper.

Ever Virgin.