Rough day today.  Feeling forlorn.

Ever Virgin.

Toucan.

Flamingo.

Just so there is no confusion.

Ever Virgin.

Lots of late nights, this week. Between the first rehearsal for Bare complete with a delicious display of wines, cheeses, and other snacks, to the ridiculous trip to Economy Hardware at Midnight on Thursday to buy a new couch and chair for the apartment, as well as some other items for the home and puppy with Mr. Jacob Krause, to last night’s celebration of the 21st year of my dear dear dear heart where I stayed out so late I had to take a cab home (my first cab ever, in Boston and on my own!).

Bare has quite a phenomenal cast, seeing and hearing them all in the room together was fantastic. Of course, like anyone else, I have my questions about casting choices, but Mr. DeMita hasn’t ever let me down before, so I trust he knows what he’s doing with some of the questionable casting choices that I see- but for what I hear in voices and see in body types, he put together a good looking, fairly well matched cast. Also they seemed friendly for a bunch of newcomers, notably I enjoyed Anne. She was very sweet, I think she’ll be a fast friend to the company. Tom and I are pretty excellent as ASMs- he is a person to trust and enjoy, and I am glad we’ll become even better acquainted in the next few months.

Have I mentioned what a sweet, thoughtful, man my room mate is? I probably haven’t, but he is. He almost always knows what to say to make me laugh, and I’ve pretty much got his back when it comes to emotional support. He made me laugh at Midnight Madness mostly by being the sparkly rainbow of a boy that he is. Also he looks charmingly adorable pushing a cart around because it makes him shimmy is ass (subconscious? I dunno.) He bought us a Wii on Thursday as well, we’re going to break it open and play when he gets back from Michigan, where he’s visiting his family and enjoying traditional Jewish rites of passage for distant relations

Last night we celebrated the day the earth was blessed with the arrival of Mr. Kyle Hemingway. An intimate group had dinner together, exchanging witty quips (you know, you can make that shit private for a reason.) and dining on an array of Asian/American fusion dishes. I enjoyed a plate of beef with Asian cabbages (yes plural, apparently they have several). The sassy waitress was a special delight for my man. After dinner (and being stuck between the curb and a milk delivery truck for five minutes) we arrived at the Encore piano bar for lots of singing and more revelry. Mr. Hemingway performed some of his staple numbers to the delight of the crowd (who were mostly good friends) and Mr. Hayes and myself prepared a delightful duet where we proclaimed our love for the man of hour through the eyes of two deranged serial killers. Jeremy was so nervous his hands were shaking, but I think he did exceptionally well for all the practice we had (read: none.) We all had a few drinks, socialized and enjoyed the non-dramatic atmosphere for several hours, so many, in fact, that the T totally stopped running and I had to take a taxi home- it’s only a 15 dollar taxi ride and it was sort of relaxing, I would do it again. It was a nice night, I think.

Today Kyle and I spent the better part of the afternoon working on the Brit Brit musical, we made some excellent progress. It is going to be one enjoyable piece of theatre when all is said and done! We make a good team- God knows why, but we just work in perfect time. We even have just about the same amount of stamina. Yeah, I said it. I hope we can get this great American musical up and going by the end of the summer. A few more sessions like today and we’ll be on it!

(I have to take this time out of my writing just to note that there is a puppy curled up between my legs and a kitty laying in the small of my back and the two of them are batting at each other in a half-assed way- what the hell am I- the barricades at dawn?)

Ever Virgin.

There is something strange and satisfying about the idea that I have no positive id on any reader of this blog. Live Journal had this built-in audience, it colored the things I wrote, even without intention. Now, I look at this blank slate, I have no idea who will ever come across these words, no one, perhaps, and I am all the better for it. It is for me to continue my charge as a writer, and write as I see fit. It’s a little bit of a parody of real life. As a human, I wander around giving my words and giving my spirit in a general, unfocused way, into the atmosphere, not really sure who is going to accept it. But people do. Just like, I imagine, people will read this incarnation of my words.

I sometimes feel like this picture. Broken into lots of separate parts yet ultimately meaning something greater than each piece. On their own, they don’t mean much, and even when you put them together they are only bits and pieces of the real meaning- but its there.

Ever Virgin.

This morning, around 7 a.m. I got up to take Lavan out to the bathroom. It was pouring rain and quite slippery, and as I reached the second of three landings on the back staircase, I slipped and went crashing down the stairs. Lava was in my arms and I know I hurt her because I fell on her, but she got up once we landed, went to the bathroom and seemed fine, except for the fact that she was covered in mud. I, on the other hand, am not feeling so hot. I smashed my head on the ground so the right side of my face is scraped and sore, my shoulder, my arm, my butt, and my leg where I hit the ground are sore and my back is super tense and sore. Besides the physical injuries which only got more tender as the day progressed, I was absolutely covered in mud, I mean we are talking Swedish mud bath covered. I walked back inside in complete and utter shock, I could barely make habitual actions work. I feel pretty yucky right now.

I had to work commencement today for CAS graduate students, so I wasn’t able to even take a load off and enjoy my day or clean up as I had hoped I might be able to have the chance to do. At least the afternoon improved, Jacob and I hung out on the porch and relaxed and then we went shopping at Target and the stores around there. Jacob was a straight up sugar daddy. He kept buying me things. Then we came home and made dinner and spent time together. All the while I have been fighting the urge to curl up and never wake up because I’m so tired and sore. I feel like such a big fat idiot. At least my fat cushioned me, if I was less hugenormous than I probably would have broken a bone. I don’t care as long as Lavan was okay.

I need some sleep.

Ever Virgin.

It doesn’t take long before your puppy becomes a better companion than most of the other people in your life. She’s so very small and everything she does is interesting because she’s new. The spring really is the most fabulous time in the world to get a puppy. It is just so nice to be outside, to a purpose, a better purpose than smoking a cigarette or something, enjoying the quiet of the night. Yes, she’s naughty- she barks and howls when she can’t be in the same room as me or Jacob, but even when you think about that, its sweet. She gets a lot of attention when we go out, we cannot go five feet without someone stopping us, and people are So nice, and friendly, and talkative. Why does it take a dog to make people accessible like that? It’s nice, but ultimately a little sad. Today we’re going to the vet to make sure everything is alright with her, she’s too skinny and I want the vet to tell me what I need to do to improve her health and add a little weight to her. Also she’s going to get a microchip. She’s really, really cute. Quite the urban pup.

Ever Virgin.

I know that I am going to need a laugh, sooner or later, and so I post this tidbit as a reminder of those who will -always- love me.

flutternight: want to have sex?
skeay123: sure
flutternight: excelent.
skeay123: my place or yours
flutternight: yours has a little more privacy
skeay123: if thats what u are looking for
flutternight: I’ll be right over.
skeay123: yay

I know that this cannot be a venue for my heart to live in anger, and right now, my heart is so weary and so full of frustration that it almost hurts to breathe.  I feel so weak, and all I want is someone to hug me and ask me if I want a cup of tea, or just sit with me and tell me a story.  I know I do this for other people.  I am constantly doing this for other people.

I am consistently alone when I am in need.

I did not have the energy to do everything by myself tonight- but I did it anyway.  Because that’s what you’re supposed to do- live up to your obligations and fulfill other people’s expectations- and I CAN do it.  I do do it.  But I need someone to hold me right now, just for a few minutes.  The complete and utter lack of anyone who truly cares about my need is a deafening thud of complete silence.  I can care for myself 99.99 percent of the time, but I could really, really use a hand right now.  I don’t have a hand.  So what do I do?  Sew myself up and keep going, I know.  I know.  I’m not dumb.  and I’m not needy, and I’m not a complainer. I’m just very very very tired.

Ever Virgin.

We’ve prepared our home for the arrival of our pretty girl. Seamus’ things have been neatly and cleanly transitioned into the library, a location he’s recently taken up residence anyway, and we figure that he should be able to move freely to his food and litter without the puppy harassing him. He can tell something’s up- he’s just not sure what it is yet. He’s concerned and a bit mistrustful. He scratched my arm because I picked him up and I had a bleachy-smell and he was NOT having it.
We cleaned and bleached the puppy crate, cleaned and bleached the floor, and swept, dusted and vacuumed the areas where puppy is going to be spending a lot of time. Puppy gates have been applied to major arteries between kitchen and living space and kitchen and sleeping space. A new shelving unit and new hooks have been added to the kitchen to hold puppy things. Overall I’m so achingly excited that I’m grateful we’ve got Fuddy Meers production week to keep me busy so I don’t make myself crazy thinking about her arrival. I’m going to take next Monday off so that Lavan, Jacob and I can spend some time relaxing and go on our first family walk together.
Lavan is going to be an amazing part of life. She’s going to represent health, happiness, and constant loyalty. I’m trying not to imbue her with perfection- but its difficult. She’s a PUPPY! MY PUPPY.

I’m faithful.

Ever Virgin.