Just got back from dinner at The Palm, in Boston.  It’s Jacob and my favorite place to go, even if it costs a fortune.  It was a nice treat, even though we only went there last a week ago (and spent twice as much!) There’s something very special about going to an expensive restaurant.  Our waiter, who remembered us, and the wine we ordered, was attentive, thoughtful, and conversational.  To, for an hour or so, feel important, even in such a stupidly simple way as a restaurant guest, puts my mind at ease.  I like dressing nice and going to dinner. Jacob joined the 385 club at the restaurant today.  We get points for eating there.  We’re going to earn enough to go on vacation. (details to follow).

My stomach feels very unfriendly right now, an unfortunate side effect of eating nothing until our 7:00pm reservation.  It isn’t often that I’d wait so long to eat in a day but work is busy, hectic, and very stressful with the demanding Rosenberg Institute programing.  I do like my job, though not everything about it is good.  I don’t think anyone’s job is completely awesome, so I am NOT complaining.  I just need a vacation, which I will soon be getting as we head off to the Berkshires for Thanksgiving.  I just need to be away from work for an extended period of time.  I need to be away from this house, too, to be able to clarify my head from the slosh that has become my bedfellow.  I know this pain and frustration isn’t worth it- it’s just hard to pull yourself out once you begin. Besides, I look pretty in green.

Also, today I decided that if I were to throw myself in front of a bus, I would bequeeth the following items to those I love:  My vast collection of books, to Joe.  My scrapbooks in all their forms to Kacee.  Lavan and Seamus to Jacob.  My DS and games to Kerri.  I don’t really have anything of value, but let it be known, if I should throw myself in front of a bus, that those items should be doled out accordingly.

Does someone want to get me a tattoo for Christmas?

Ever Virgin.

I had a hard day today.  That’s not entirely true.  For the most part I had a wonderful day.  Sure, not everything went as planned, but it was certainly salvageable. And good company.   The hard part was standing by and staying silent when I wanted to speak.  I know it is right to allow other people to make their own decisions, even when you know they will impact you, but sometimes it is so hard.  I don’t know when it is right for me to stay silent, and when it is right for me to speak up- so I go with my default and stay quiet.  I am constantly surprised, though, by my capacity to absorb hurt and return tenderness.  I used to be even better at it, I’d never divulge an ounce of displeasure- and though I do speak up now, sometimes, and with some people, I am still, for the most part, as pliant as anyone might wish.  The truth is I would rather have love with someone I love than have anger, even if I am hurt or angry.  I am trying so hard, so much harder than I could even use words to describe because I know this is only going to get worse, but it isn’t easy.  It isn’t easy.  It’s ripping my brain apart and turning me against myself.  It’s hard to extract fear from reality.  It’s hard to see things change under your feet just as you’ve earned your footing.  It’s hard to know that things always change and for me, they are seldom for the better.  And it’s really hard to be in a sad mood so often these days, never able to say what I truly feel. I want to get back to the girl whose heart was always happy, she had emerged just recently, but so fleetingly I am afraid I won’t be able to find her again.

I don’t want to hear about it any more.  I love you, but I don’t want to hear about it any more.

Ever Virgin.

Il est vrai que Je t’aime. J’essaie de l’amour vous la meilleure façon que je le peux. J’essaie de ne pas penser à tes bras autour de moi ou de la manière dont vous me faire rire. J’essaie de ne pas vous souhaite invite-moi à votre lit. J’essaie d’être un ami dévoué et un bon partenaire. Je serai toujours jaloux de lui. Je veux toujours votre attention pour moi. Je suis tellement désolé que je ne peux pas être plus forte, une meilleure personne. S’il vous plaît n’oubliez pas de moi. Je serais perdu sans toi. Vous êtes mon meilleur ami. Quand je mensonge réveiller la nuit, il est vous, je pense que d’. Quand je pleure, c’est vous que je veux. Votre visage est la dernière chose que je vois quand je ferme mes yeux. Je pensais jamais cela se produire de nouveau pour moi, que je ne ferais jamais l’amour que je ne peux pas absolument posséder. Maintenant, je sais que nous avons été liés ensemble pour toujours. Votre cœur a aimé le mien. Je ne peux pas survivre sans vous voir tous les jours. Je déteste être loin, même pour le week-end parce que je sais que je ne vais pas vous voir. Vous êtes le meilleur homme que j’ai jamais partagé un lit avec. Dans vos yeux, pour un moment, je me sens en sécurité. Je ne me sens pas ses mains ou traitements cruels peines ou traitements cruels son corps forcer à me soumettre. Je ne se sentent aimés.

Toujours Vierge

There are times, it feels, when I pray so hard, so long, so loudly that for hours at a time I feel like I am screaming in my head.  I scream for help and guidance and I scream for an end for the crushing loneliness I feel.  I scream so longley and with such absolute fortitude that I cannot imagine that God does not hear me.  I’m clever.  I attempt to pray in the way we’re taught is best.  I don’t ask, “God, please send me a boyfriend”, I ask, “God, please help me to feel the blessing in the love that surrounds me.  Help me to be less selfish and less demanding.  Give me the strength to endure this time alone until it is the right time for me.”  Except the bully of it all is, no matter how carefully I phrase it, doesn’t God just hear, “please send me a boyfriend” anyway?  I don’t even want a boyfriend. I hate boys.  I just want to stop feeling this way.  I want the answer not to be, “find happiness in yourself- look not to other people’s validation for happiness,” but that isn’t the answer.  The answer is that my heart will forever feel like a wasteland until I am able to prove to myself that there is a time at which I am the first choice.  A time at which there is not another soul in the world greater or more important than I am to another human being.  I used to believe it wasn’t true by virtue of some deficiency in the way I looked.  Now I’m not so sure.  More and more I think I am just tragically flawed- another Manfred in a sea of Heros (minus the incest). I think I might be doomed to wander the cliffs alone forever until I am overcome with despair and hurl myself upon the rocky shoals below me.

I’m just tired of everyone elses boyfriends, I think…. or maybe I’m just tired.

That seems likely.

Ever Virgin.

Today is a good day.  You can feel it in the air- a buzzing, joyful, wash of people drunk on the idea that this country can shine again.  I don’t even have to leave my room in Jamaica Plain to feel the collective joy.  It’s such a good feeling.  Last night, watching the results as they slowly filtered in, left my stomach queasy and fuzzy (could have been the cheese dip) but every moment felt good.  It scares me how much our country needed this.  How far we’ve fallen into our own despair, fear, and worst of all, our own apathy.  I thought it when I heard about McCain’s performance on SNL, making fun of himself in a desperate attempt to align himself with young, hip, viewers.  He made himself a laughing stock.  He wanted to garner people to him by virtue of mockery.  I mean, don’t get me wrong, I love mockery as much as the next guy, but there is a certain line to draw when it comes to the election of the president of this nation, and I think McCain never quite got it.  It’s like he was sort of running a joke show.  Like that guy in high school who ran against the class president.  You know the one, he was maybe the class clown, or some jock who wanted to take the glory from the person who truly deserved it by being a dedicated service person to the high school- and sometimes, just sometimes that upstart swoops in and by virtue of newness and irony he steals the crown.  McCain was riding that wave.  And he failed.  And our country will rise again. Thank goodness.

Now if only prop 8 could have seen such a shiny victory.  I’m a little scared, frankly.  Come on CA- join your sisters on the East Coast- make a change for freedom!

People carry an U.S. flag as they celebrate President-elect Senator Barack Obama’s (D-IL) historic White House victory in Nairobi’s Kibera slum November 5, 2008. Kenyans in Obama’s ancestral homeland sang and danced with joy on Wednesday as the Illinois senator they see as one of their own became the first black U.S. president. (REUTERS/Noor Khamis)

Ever Virgin.

Today is going to be a good day.  Today is going to be a monumental day in the history of the United States of America.  Today, we are going to take back this country from those who have led us asunder, those who have polluted our lives with propaganda, deceit, and hate-mongering.  We’re going to stop the war.  We’re going to make the world safer for all of our brothers and sisters regardless of race, religion, or sexual orientation.  I believe in change.  I believe Barack Obama can lead us to a better country.

I’ve never felt this way about an elected offical before.  I have never had passion or interest in politics beyond a general knowledge of international affairs, but he has helped me turn the corner.  I ama beleiever. I don’t want another four years of the same.  I want to be proud of this country again.  I think this is our chance.

We’re having an election party tonight- it’s going to be awesome.  We are going to watch history in the making.  I feel so good about what is going to happen.  Nothing is going to mar this mood.  Nothing.  I am not going to make this day about anything except the amazing change on the horizon.  I can be heartbroken and lonely again tomorrow- but today I’m going to take the day off from real life emotions and be hopefull and light-hearted.

By this time tomorrow morning, we’ll have a new president.  God Bless America!

Ever Virgin.