Dear Self,

I don’t want to fight with you anymore.  We’ve been at it for years, you and I.  It is a constant struggle and I am so tired of struggling.  We go through these phases, hating each other venomously, keeping ourselves up at night crying and huddled in a little ball, wishing and hoping for some sort of relief, praying over and over again the same desperate plea, “help me…help me…help me…”  We wade through the madness of this life in a constant state of tension, never feeling good enough, never feeling smart enough, never feeling pretty enough, just wanting to find some way of feeling safe and secure.  We hurt each other.
No one, no one living, no one dead, has ever said the sort of vile, hurtful things that I allow myself to say to you.  I would never speak to anyone, no matter how much I hated them, the way I speak to you.  And I don’t hate you.  I love you.  Through it all, I love you and I know how truly Good you are.  It is so painful to go through this life.  We are facing catastrophic struggles, struggles that are beyond even our comprehension, and yet we do it, you and I- we climb every hill with strength and fortitude, pushing mountains of love in every direction, throwing adoration and awe wherever we can and never saving even a little bit of it for us.
I’m so sorry.  I am sorry that I do this to you.  I am sorry that I cannot, on my own, give you what you need to feel worthy of love.  I am sorry that I make you feel like you are not good enough, because you are.  I am saying it right here and right now, in front of any witness that comes our way: you ARE good enough.  You ARE worthy of love, of attention, of good friends, of a life that is safe, and happy, and fun.  You are a good person.  You work hard.  You are smart.  I applaud you for working through your struggles, I caress you inside and outside for every moment you feel lonely and lost.  You are okay.  Until the time comes when you can find someone who wants to share the unique, beautiful, faithful person that you are, I will love you enough for the both of us.  It is time to stop this war.  It is time to take what you used to be, and make it better- I will help you.  I will be here.  I will love you enough and you don’t have to give me anything in return.  You don’t owe me anything.  I love you because you are a perfect creation of God just as you are.  I love you because you are capable of giving of yourself when you have nothing to give.  I love you because you are good enough.
If you need to cry, then cry, I am here.  Don’t stop yourself, don’t see it as a sign of weakness, don’t hurt yourself any more.  Let the tears fall and don’t blame yourself for not being strong enough.  If you are sad, be sad, the sadness will pass and I will still be here, by your side, constantly devoted.  When you are happy, don’t try to hold onto it so tightly, always in fear that you will forget what it feels like in the cold hours of the night, because I will remember it and I will remind you, and I will keep reminding you forever and ever.  The time has come for us to be united.  The time has come for us to give up this fight.  Trust me now, because I will not let you down.  I promise.

Love,
Me

Covet.  I love and hate the word.  It’s so full and moist and sexy.  It fills your mouth with a rush of sound at the beginning, but then rounds out with a ripe, round “v” and finishes off with the harsh and quick “t”, almost to scold you for lingering- cuh uh uh uhvvv eehhh t.  It fills your brain with the opulence of all the possibilities- what can you covet- bodies, bodies together, money, power, success, even the mundane; possessions, food, talent- anything that humans desire can be deliciously and longingly coveted.   Merriam- Webster puts it simply: to feel inordinate desire for what belongs to another.  Inordinate. Desire that exceeds reasonable limits.  It is such a cruel and beautiful idea that you could desire something to the point that it exceeds reasonable limits.
The bible has many tomes against the condition of covetousness- so much so that it is mentioned twice in the most basic and simple rules for salvation, the Ten Commandments.  It is also mentioned in 1 Timothy 6:6-10, Hebrews 13:5, Exodus 20:17, Ecclesiastes 5:10, Matthew 16:26, Proverbs 14:30, Colossians 3:5-6, Luke 12:15, and Hebrews 13:5-6.  It seems, that from the very dawn of human existence, covetous feelings have plagued us along with advice on how to avoid and overcome its steel grip.
There is no human emotion, no feeling, no state of intellectual discourse that I struggle more with than being covetous.  I openly and willingly admit that my desire for things exceed reasonable limits.  I want things so much sometimes, want something specific that someone else has, that I can actually feel the covet take over my body, possess me and make me into something that I am not.  I can see myself, as if from a distance, through a fog, doing and saying things that I know are foolish, pointless, and a waste of my time, and yet I cannot get a firm enough grip on my actions.  The want is so strong that it pre-rationalizes absolutely crazy behavior and even worse negative feelings about my quality as a person.  In trying to alleviate the feelings, even worse things tend to make their ugly presence known- sarcasm loves to step in and eradicate true communication by undermining its foundations.  Apathy tries to cover me so quickly and so deeply that I don’t know what hits me until I realize I have been shoveling myself out of a whole made only by myself with no good intentions for me in mind.  Nothing but instant gratification and momentary little pleasured are ever found when I get into that place.  I don’t want those feelings any more.  I want to get some feelings and emotions and stop censoring my own just so I can borrow someone else’s’ cleaner and more neatly packaged ones.  I want to be content with the flesh and the voice, the brain and the talents that were given to me by a loving and thoughtful God.  It is so hard though.  It is so much harder than I could ever imagine that it would be.

Thou shalt not covet thy neighbor's wife...

Ever Virgin.

I just encountered a foe so disgusting, so mind-numbingly horrendous that I have no words, in English or any other language, to describe it.  Certainly, none of you would question my love for Lavan.  She is the best dog a girl could ask for, and her love and devotion surely make up for the chaos and naughtiness that she some times brings upon our home.  But the kitchen floor that I battled tonight was so vile that not only did it make me doubt that Lavan should even exsist, it made me doubt that the whole canine species should exsist.  That’s how bad it was.

I don’t have a strong enough stomach to describe in detail to you the levels of filth that lived underneath her dog crate, but I will say that the crate will not be allowed in this house again until it can be completely fumigated.  I washed the floor twice and it is still in need of another cleansing.  As I watch her gaily run from room to room, I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to have such a simple life.  To be loved unconditionally even when I pee and puke on the floor.  To be contented chewing on the same rubber bone day after day and eating the same, sorry meal night after night.  But she is happy, bless her, and I am glad to have her.  But I might consider selling her to the gypsies if this ever happens again.  $3.99.

Ever Virgin

George W. Bush is not going to be our president, tomorrow.  Our Nation is breathing a collective, albeit shallow, breath.  It feels like the enormous tension of anger and grief is loosening its hold from around our hearts.  I cannot help but notice that despite the obvious fears of a bad economy and high rate of unemployment, we are a people of hope, and we just want a chance to feel like we are part of something that isn’t based on lies and deceit- that we can hold our heads erect and not feel like the world’s laughing stock.  I just want to feel proud to be an American again, and I think it is almost time.

In other news, Jason proposed to Jen this weekend- I am going to have a sister!  I am really excited for them both, I could not think of a more wonderful girl to join the Rosa clan than Jen.  She truly is a great girl.  I adore her.  I cannot help but feel the tiniest littlest bit of frustration and impatience that I am not set on this road as well, but I try to think less of that and more of the great opportunities that will someday await me, distant though they may seem.  I am going to be attending a lot of weddings in the next few years, so I better get used to it!  I can already think of four I’ll be attending in 2009, in one of which I will be a bridesmaid- and I haven’t even really put a lot of thought into it!  God bless them all for their love and happiness- keep um coming, folks, I’ll be happy to shower you with love and good wishes and then secretly complain about it whilst eating from a huge tub of peanut butter on my couch…just kidding (only not really).

Off to bed- two more slipcovers to polish off prior to the inaguration!

Ever Virgin.

There is not a better feeling
than the quiet sound
of your sleeping mouth.
I like to press my feet
against your side
so I can feel the channel of your breath
as you pass from the quiet halls
of dream to dream.
I cannot imagine a place
where my silent nights
don’t include
the tiny space between a wall
that catches the hitch of my tears
before they reach your ears.
That one moment
right before your mouth curls into a smile
when you see me
is the single best
and worst
place I have ever been
and I cannot wait to go there again.
I would, for the chance to feel your hand on my skin,
unhinge the stars from the sky
and lie face down in a sea of unlived years,
or wrap myself in every tremble of your pain
to absorb it before it would touch you.
If I could choose anything to be,
I’d want to be the color of your eyes,
so that I would always feel
as uniquely beautiful
and wholly spectacular
as you are
to me.

Ever Virgin.

I’m tired and I’m not able to write all that I want to right now, but thank you, those of you in the loop, for your devoted attention the last few days.  I’m going to try to drag myself to the shower now.  I’ll give you more as soon as I can sit up long enough but in the mean time, I leave you with this:

Ever Virgin.

Welcome to 2009 my friends.  A year has flown by and I didn’t even notice and suddenly here I am in the last year of the 0’s without much claim to fame and without much to show for it.  I am not married to a baked bean tycoon, I have never touched a peacock, and I don’t live in a glorious castle on the French Riviera.  These things alone are reasons to note that my life is a failure, I am sure you would all agree.  I could go on all day listing the various things that I am not or haven’t done with myself in the last year, but instead I am going to give you the Shannon Rosa top list of things about 2008.

In February,  I had a Leap Year party and a LOT of people who mean a lot to me showed up.  Not only did I get to see lots of my every day and fudge friends, but Scot, John and Erin, and Mike Kinnally showed up too.  It made me feel extremely happy and loved to have them all there for me, and to celebrate the one extra day of the year!

In April, Jacob hosted a beautiful Seder dinner at the Woodlawn. It was hands down one of the most fun parties I have ever been to- the food was excellent, the company was excellent, there was a LOT of wine and good conversation, and everything looked beautiful.  It was really fun and silly to prepare for this dinner with no car, as we didn’t have one in April- you haven’t lived until you have seen Jacob carrying a 50 lb push cart up 5 flights of steps because it was so heavy the wheels broke off completely.

In May, the Woodlawn welcomed Lavan Celine Rosa-Krause into our lives.  She has been a whole lot of work, that is to be sure, but she has given us a lot of love and a lot of joy as she has grown from baby dog into big girl.  She has a lot of work to do before she is a really good girl, lots and lots of growing to do and less kicky lickying, but she has made this year a fantastic adventure.

In June, I spent several days on the Cape with a bunch of my friends first at Kristin’s Cape house and then later, Kyle, Jeremy and Jacob joined me for several days and I held a big party on Saturday night in Eastham where a bunch more of my friends came together to hang out with me.  Admittedly there were a few sticky moments in the week, but I think that makes it even better because you appreciate the good times more when you have something to compare them to. It was so wonderful to see friends from Stonehill, too.

In August, we had another addition to the family, Xander came home to be our third and final pet.  We took him from a litter of kittens from next door, because Jacob had never had a baby kitty of his own before.  The house seemed pretty full with Seamus, Lavan AND Xander, but we got used to it quickly as everyone found their own unique relationships with one another.  Lavan and Xander are especially playful together.

On September 1st, Jacob and I moved from The Woodlawn, to our new apartment, 60 Rue de Woodlawn- right next door!  Despite the fact that it was a mess and we needed to sleep on a mattress on the floor for almost two months while they fixed everything up, we were both extremely happy to get to stay on the same street we were on before and also have a space we could have control over without having to worry about any weirdo third room mates.  The best part about the new apartment is that it has a washer and dryer in the unit so we don’t ever have to lug our laundry any further than across the room to wash it.

In September, I started to teach my first class at Suffolk University, SU101.  It is a class which gives a support system to new students and helps to guide them along the path of responsible behavior.  I really liked a lot of my studrnts and admired their hard work.   It was also very cool to get to know some of the Suffolk incoming freshman and to make a friend of my TA, Matt.  He is an amazing kid with a lot of future potential and we were matched up VERY well.

Also in September, I auditioned for and was accepted into the Back Bay Chorale, a group of 100 singers in the metro Boston area who put on concerts of challenging classical music four times a year.  I was so nervous about trying out but I really felt strongly that I needed to do something to help me work out my voice and stimulate me intellectually.  I got to be better friends with our neighbor, Joanna, who is also in the chorus with me and made some other nice friends throughout the last few months.

In October, I got a bed.  No.  Seriously.  Since February, I was sleeping on my mattress on the floor and I had gotten to the end of my ability to see that as a good idea, so a trip to Ikea produced a beautiful black wrought iron bed for me to sleep on, and my wonderful room mate and his wonderful new boyfriend put it together for me one night while I was at choir rehearsal because they are sweet and thoughtful.

In November, I got to take my first trip to the Berkshires.  On our Thanksgiving vacation a combination of several of my dear friends traveled to Jeremy’s time share in the Berkshires for the holiday. We relaxed in a lovely, fancy suite and watched TV, knit, cooked, talked, and went in our exquisite jacuzzi bath tubs.  One of our favorite appointments was the fantastic pretend fireplace which shot out pretend flames and blew warm air at us while it hummed with pretend crackling fire sounds.  We also visited Mass MoCA and saw some spectacular art and dined at a delicious Chinese buffet.  On Thanksgiving day we cooked a feast of Cornish Hens and all the fixings and it was delicious and lovely!

In December, since my car had an unfortunate demise in the Berkshire Mountains, I purchased my very first brand new car.  It is a gorgeous silver Scion xD and I am completely in love with it.  Jacob helped me to pick out the best model and I scooped it up and drove it home!  No more fear about breaking down every time I leave the house.  I am happy to say that for the first time in my life I feel safe and secure leaving my house to drive somewhere.

And there you have it.  All these wonderful things happened to me this year, and looking at them all layed out like this makes me feel very proud- not bean tycoon proud, but pretty proud anyway.  Here is to another wonderful year of loving those I love and encouraging others who do not to find love and peace in their own way.

Ever Virgin.

As tradition dictates, I offer you my list of Books Read in 2008-

1.    Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim- David Sedaris
2.    First Person Plural-  Cameron West
3.    When Rabbit Howls-   Truddi Chase
4.    Guilty Pleasures- Laurell K. Hamilton
5.    The Laughing Corpse- Laurell K. Hamilton
6.    The Circus of the Damned- Laurell K. Hamilton
7.    The Lunatic Café- Laurell K. Hamilton
8.    Bloody Bones- Laurell K. Hamilton
9.    The Killing Dance- Laurell K. Hamilton
10.    The Woman Warrior- Maxine Hong Kingston
11.    Vanishing Acts- Jodi Picoult
12.    The Mermaid Chair- Susan Monk Kidd
13.     Easter Rising- Michael Patrick MacDonald
14.    Swish- Joel Derfner
15.     Dreams of My Father- Barrack Obama

As you can see, I read only a little more than last year, and a bulk of this was in the spring/summer when Jacob and I decided to read a crudload of terrible vampire novels.  The best of this year’s books would have to be The Mermaid Chair and The Woman Warrior.  Susan Monk Kidd, Author of The Mermaid Chair, also wrote The Secret Life of Bees, which was recently on the big screen and was EXCELLENT.  I read that book last year and saw the movie a few months ago with Frank.  I reccomend the movie and both books!  The Woman Warrior is by Maxine Hong Kingston, a Distinguished Visiting Scholar from Suffolk.  She was our Graduate Commencement Speaker last year, and authographed a copy for me, which I thought was very kind.  The book tells several short stories about growing up Chinese-American with immigrant parents.  It was absolutely riviting from cover to cover.

Happy reading, my friends!  Any books you think I should add to my 2009 to-read list?  Let me know!

Year-End wrap up coming soon!

Ever Virgin