I just encountered a foe so disgusting, so mind-numbingly horrendous that I have no words, in English or any other language, to describe it.  Certainly, none of you would question my love for Lavan.  She is the best dog a girl could ask for, and her love and devotion surely make up for the chaos and naughtiness that she some times brings upon our home.  But the kitchen floor that I battled tonight was so vile that not only did it make me doubt that Lavan should even exsist, it made me doubt that the whole canine species should exsist.  That’s how bad it was.

I don’t have a strong enough stomach to describe in detail to you the levels of filth that lived underneath her dog crate, but I will say that the crate will not be allowed in this house again until it can be completely fumigated.  I washed the floor twice and it is still in need of another cleansing.  As I watch her gaily run from room to room, I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to have such a simple life.  To be loved unconditionally even when I pee and puke on the floor.  To be contented chewing on the same rubber bone day after day and eating the same, sorry meal night after night.  But she is happy, bless her, and I am glad to have her.  But I might consider selling her to the gypsies if this ever happens again.  $3.99.

Ever Virgin