The month of April starts tomorrow, and this month I am taking the poem-a-day challenge.  look forward to a daily installment of Shan-written poetry, one for each day of this month.

Horray!

Ever Virgin.

Mary, Mother of grace, Mother of mercy, shield me from the enemy and receive me at the hour of my death.

Merciful Mother, guide my hands and guide my heart on this almost impossible journey.  Know that I am a sinner, cast among sinners, and struggling in the darkness of my own loneliness.  Shield me from my want. Encircle me in Your arms so I do not feel the biting of Jealousy and Envy. Walk beside me, Mother Divine, and give me your hand that I might find comfort.  You who brought me the Savior, You who are Mother to the world, give me the courage to face the hurting.  Help me, please, for I am lost, and You can help me find my way.

In your Son’s name.  Amen.

I try to hold onto the moments when I feel absolutely secure.
When I know that I am an important, rich, beautiful, colorful human being worthy of attention and love.
I try to hold too, to the moments that spear me open with pain and crush the cockles that line the sandy shores of the inside of me.
I try to make a balance of pain and joy, to remember the smooth and buttery flavor of pleasure and the vinegar-sour pulse of a heartache.

All day I silently recite proverbs and poems, French curses and love songs, bible passages and poignant lyrics from songs, hoping to find some way to connect the hot river of words on the inside to the solitary beauty of the outside around me.
When I fall asleep at night I comb through the long and silky strands of my memory and tease out the tiny moments when it didn’t hurt to breathe, swaddle myself in the almost imagined thoughts of smiles and casual touches, create a thick cushion of possession to curl up on, gently easing me to sleep- and if there isn’t enough- if I cannot picture enough touches or smiles or moments of love to build my nightly bed, then I slip further into myself to some fantasy I’ve constructed for the occasion where I can simulate the feeling of being cared about and treasured by those unnamed and unfaced, until numbness takes me over and I sleep just the same.

Where are they?
The small but bosom kith to surround me, take me in, and tell me, yes, you are loved.
Yes, you are loved.
Yes, you.
Loved.

Ever Virgin.

Burning behind her eyes
almost a memory of
kisses
when fantasy and the night light
blur morning hours with dreams.

Honor bound
she is supposed to be
to his man
another leg
of the same race.

Gasping for breath
tired of running
races for him
putting her mouth on his voice
to push her feet on.

She cannot see
far enough ahead
to know when to stop
running up and down
the inside of his thighs.

When everything is quiet
he wraps her up inside
with the smallest words
and knows how to make her
useless without him.

Sometimes I have the fear that what is broken will never be mended.  Sometimes, I really do feel satisfied by that dangerous emo idea of the way it stings to feel the blood bubble up from a deep cut.  I know that has an air of ridiculous melodrama and attention grabbing, though it most certainly is not intended to be so.  Its just me thinking more of those deep thoughts I seem to tag so often.  I don’t actually want to cut myself, gross- I’m just saying that I understand why they do it- how it releases that heavy and all consuming hurt.  I remember having that much hurt in my heart.  I remember how impossible it seemed to do anything other than sit for hours in the pain of it.  I remember being so lost and so hurt that I was choking on my own hurt, puking up my own pain- trying with all of my might to expel from inside of me the horrible feeling.  I try not to feel that way any more.  

There are so many good things.  Good things everywhere.  Good things on all sides.  Good things coming at me from every direction, fizzling and crackling like a beautiful fireworks display, urging me to be happy, to be satisfied, to acknowledge that the small pains of the heart are nothing when compaired to the beauty of the human experience.  I know.  I know.  I try so hard to be that person, who with inner eloquence and strength of character, endures her pain straight-backed and smiling broadly.  It is really difficult.  I lose my way.  I need a shoulder to lean on and look around to find no one- or the hour is so late, that like Jesus in the garden, being tempted, all my best companions have gone to sleep, not willingly leaving me, just fading into their own greater purpose or worldly cares, leaving me alone with my cup.  And my cup is looking mighty full, and mighty tempting these days.  

I promised myself that life would pick up in 09.  But I did the same in 08.  I suppose it did pick up in 08, maybe just not quite as high as I’d prayed.  So I keep on trucking.  Is my homme gentile around the corner?  He might be.  I just have to be patient.  Or not.  Maybe I won’t be patient.  Maybe I need to be a fucking machine (not a fucking machine though) in order to power through this very, very bad feeling.  Its possible.  Very possible. 

I am going to go see Dirty Dancing with my roommate tonight- and I need to enjoy myself even though this day has had a tremendous amount of tension and upheavel already.  As hard as I try I just cannot seem to claw my way out of this tub of murky water.  

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I’ve got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now,
Or am I lost?
No one’s daughter allow me that
And I can’t let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
or am I lost?
oooo, I love you
Don’t you know I love you
And I always have
Hallelujah
Will you come with me?
Cold, cold water surrounds me now 
Cold cold water surrounds me now 
And all I’ve got is your hand
Lord,  can you hear me?
Lord,  can you hear me now?
Lord,  can you hear me?
Am I lost with you?
Am I lost with you?
Am I lost with you?

Ever Virgin.

I know it might sound funny but with so much running around in my head, its hard to pick out any one thought and allow it to spin itself into writing for human consumption.  I had a snow day today, and kept busy in my own, hobbling way, but doing my roommate’s laundry and cleaning the hall closet and the kitchen and generally trying to make my house a wonderful, comfortable and happy place to live.

There was a time, a few months back, that I was terrified that Jacob was going to move out of the house- following a progression that I am used to, I assumed not long after his dating Steven began, he’d want to move in with him- I am following, of course, the example of my former roommate.  I am sure that this fear was only partially a fear of his moving and more a fear of his symbolic moving away from being my friend (another progression I’ve become all too familiar with over the past year or so) but as the time goes on, we do more and more to make the house look nice- and I just don’t want to move anywhere else for a long time.  So I am going to stay here.  I will stay here as long as I can, and hopefully it will be with the roommate I love and adore, but if he should want to leave me, I will stay anyway.  Once I let this sink into my heart, my time has gotten easier.  I think I just have to accept that no matter how much I want to feel safe and secure, sometimes there are things beyond our control, and I have to be okay with that.

So I am continuing to improve the abode while at the same time trying to rest my foot, and trying to prepare for the Opera and for various exciting F.U.D.G.E. events.  I am excited about F.U.D.G.E.’s upcoming cabaret, The Distance You Have Come: The Music of Scott Alan.  I think it is such a great opportunity to feature F.U.D.G.E. and raise money for a worthy cause.  And it will be fun to hang out at the Encore, especially because I am manning the table for this awesome postcard writing initiative to repeal the defense of marriage act!  The awareness video they made is awesome!

Big goals for the month of March are buying a dresser and a mattress with my income tax refund check.  Also I am looking forward to seeing Dirty Dancing this Friday!  Woot!

Ever Virgin