Sometimes I feel so used up. I know that I have choices in this life- choices about what I can do and who I can spend time with and what I do and do not do for others. I know, logic is present. I know that I don’t have to bend over backwards in service to people. But I do. I do absolutely everything that is asked of me and more. Then I get mad at myself for expecting in return, love and respect and companionship. I am furious with myself that I get sad when people seem to not care about my feelings. I should not care about them, if they do not care about me- but I do, I do care.
Then, I try to convince myself that I am a bad person, not worthy of attention or care- not worthy of praise and gratitude. I try to extoll all my faults until I am convinced that people should treat me as they do- like I am nothing, like I am worthless. Even though my logic tells me I am being irrational- it just hurts too much to think that I love someone so much that doesn’t care about me.
So ultimately I sit here, with tears so close to the surface of my eyes that I can actually feel them hanging under the lids, heavy and fuzzy, and stew in my anger and hate every minute that I feel so alone. Why do I feel so alone? Why do I feel so unloved? How did this happen? How did I become someone who feels like they have to earn the love that they give so freely to others?
I just want him to come home. I hate being here alone and that makes me feel stupid. I am a stupid, stupid, stupid stupid girl.
Ever virgin.
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It saddens me to see that you’re going through something painful – whatever it may be. I admit I haven’t read for a few weeks, at least…but I’m always interested, even though I don’t show it. I hate seeing someone whom I see as so fresh and beautiful beat herself up – no matter what the reason or cause. Of course you are allowed to do so, and it’s okay, but I know it’s a tough thing. You don’t deserve to feel any of those things, my friend. No one does. Your post also reminds me of a quote I have on my wall in my office:
“We tend to think of the rational as a higher roder, but it is the emotional that marks our lives. One often learns more from ten days of agony than from ten years of contentment.”
-Merle Shain, Canadian Social Worker
-LB