Despite being tired, today was a really very beautiful day.  The perfect temperature and the bluest most beautiful sky.  Lavan was happy.  I was happy.  And even though I have been mostly alone today, I don’t feel that sad.  I kept myself busy and appreciated the company of the animals, I took steps to actively not miss my roommate- as I have been all week, and did fine.  It was only just a moment ago that he flew in the door to grab a shirt for tomorrow and then hopped out without so much as a sentence.  I felt overwhelmingly sad watching the car headlights backing out of our driveway.  It was the leaving.  It is the leaving that is hard for me.  Not the sustained distance- mentally, physically, or emotionally- but the finite motion of breaking from someone without knowing if it is the last time.  Oh, I am aware that thought borders on emo and is just a touch melodramatic- but nevertheless, there it is.  Despite my best intentions, I tear up when I see someone I care about turn away and leave me.  I am my Mother waving at the bus as I drove off to board a plane to France.  I am every cliché movie soundtrack that swells as the brave army recruit salutes his veteran father, or the gaggle of school children present single flowers to a room of fire fighters.  I am the commemorative coin depicting the heroic rescue of some small child from some unfeasibly small gully.  There is nothing to be done.

I’m completely exhausted beyond any reasonable degree.  I got what I would consider to be a normal amount of sleep last night- a solid 5-6 hours, but almost from the point of my being awake, I was falling back to sleep again.  Even though I had Lavan with me at work, I still was drowsy in my office, and on the train.  I perked up a little at the dog park, where Lavan played with like 13 other dogs and had a blast and completely exhausted herself beyond any reasonable manifestation of her usual hyper dogness- so much so that she slept continuously from the point we arrived home, but that perkiness was not long held, for as soon as I settled into my couscous and Center Stage, I was fighting off my eyes closing.  I threw some laundry in and decided to play a quick game of Harvest Moon, but could barely keep myself from falling over and did dose off for a few seconds at a time several times.  I just don’t know what is making me so sleepy!  I would go see the doctor if I wasn’t afraid of what other things they would want me to do.

On Monday, I am going to try to start getting back to the gym on a regular basis, that might improve my health and mood and fatigue a little, but who knows really.

Ever Virgin.

I just encountered a foe so disgusting, so mind-numbingly horrendous that I have no words, in English or any other language, to describe it.  Certainly, none of you would question my love for Lavan.  She is the best dog a girl could ask for, and her love and devotion surely make up for the chaos and naughtiness that she some times brings upon our home.  But the kitchen floor that I battled tonight was so vile that not only did it make me doubt that Lavan should even exsist, it made me doubt that the whole canine species should exsist.  That’s how bad it was.

I don’t have a strong enough stomach to describe in detail to you the levels of filth that lived underneath her dog crate, but I will say that the crate will not be allowed in this house again until it can be completely fumigated.  I washed the floor twice and it is still in need of another cleansing.  As I watch her gaily run from room to room, I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to have such a simple life.  To be loved unconditionally even when I pee and puke on the floor.  To be contented chewing on the same rubber bone day after day and eating the same, sorry meal night after night.  But she is happy, bless her, and I am glad to have her.  But I might consider selling her to the gypsies if this ever happens again.  $3.99.

Ever Virgin

Welcome to 2009 my friends.  A year has flown by and I didn’t even notice and suddenly here I am in the last year of the 0’s without much claim to fame and without much to show for it.  I am not married to a baked bean tycoon, I have never touched a peacock, and I don’t live in a glorious castle on the French Riviera.  These things alone are reasons to note that my life is a failure, I am sure you would all agree.  I could go on all day listing the various things that I am not or haven’t done with myself in the last year, but instead I am going to give you the Shannon Rosa top list of things about 2008.

In February,  I had a Leap Year party and a LOT of people who mean a lot to me showed up.  Not only did I get to see lots of my every day and fudge friends, but Scot, John and Erin, and Mike Kinnally showed up too.  It made me feel extremely happy and loved to have them all there for me, and to celebrate the one extra day of the year!

In April, Jacob hosted a beautiful Seder dinner at the Woodlawn. It was hands down one of the most fun parties I have ever been to- the food was excellent, the company was excellent, there was a LOT of wine and good conversation, and everything looked beautiful.  It was really fun and silly to prepare for this dinner with no car, as we didn’t have one in April- you haven’t lived until you have seen Jacob carrying a 50 lb push cart up 5 flights of steps because it was so heavy the wheels broke off completely.

In May, the Woodlawn welcomed Lavan Celine Rosa-Krause into our lives.  She has been a whole lot of work, that is to be sure, but she has given us a lot of love and a lot of joy as she has grown from baby dog into big girl.  She has a lot of work to do before she is a really good girl, lots and lots of growing to do and less kicky lickying, but she has made this year a fantastic adventure.

In June, I spent several days on the Cape with a bunch of my friends first at Kristin’s Cape house and then later, Kyle, Jeremy and Jacob joined me for several days and I held a big party on Saturday night in Eastham where a bunch more of my friends came together to hang out with me.  Admittedly there were a few sticky moments in the week, but I think that makes it even better because you appreciate the good times more when you have something to compare them to. It was so wonderful to see friends from Stonehill, too.

In August, we had another addition to the family, Xander came home to be our third and final pet.  We took him from a litter of kittens from next door, because Jacob had never had a baby kitty of his own before.  The house seemed pretty full with Seamus, Lavan AND Xander, but we got used to it quickly as everyone found their own unique relationships with one another.  Lavan and Xander are especially playful together.

On September 1st, Jacob and I moved from The Woodlawn, to our new apartment, 60 Rue de Woodlawn- right next door!  Despite the fact that it was a mess and we needed to sleep on a mattress on the floor for almost two months while they fixed everything up, we were both extremely happy to get to stay on the same street we were on before and also have a space we could have control over without having to worry about any weirdo third room mates.  The best part about the new apartment is that it has a washer and dryer in the unit so we don’t ever have to lug our laundry any further than across the room to wash it.

In September, I started to teach my first class at Suffolk University, SU101.  It is a class which gives a support system to new students and helps to guide them along the path of responsible behavior.  I really liked a lot of my studrnts and admired their hard work.   It was also very cool to get to know some of the Suffolk incoming freshman and to make a friend of my TA, Matt.  He is an amazing kid with a lot of future potential and we were matched up VERY well.

Also in September, I auditioned for and was accepted into the Back Bay Chorale, a group of 100 singers in the metro Boston area who put on concerts of challenging classical music four times a year.  I was so nervous about trying out but I really felt strongly that I needed to do something to help me work out my voice and stimulate me intellectually.  I got to be better friends with our neighbor, Joanna, who is also in the chorus with me and made some other nice friends throughout the last few months.

In October, I got a bed.  No.  Seriously.  Since February, I was sleeping on my mattress on the floor and I had gotten to the end of my ability to see that as a good idea, so a trip to Ikea produced a beautiful black wrought iron bed for me to sleep on, and my wonderful room mate and his wonderful new boyfriend put it together for me one night while I was at choir rehearsal because they are sweet and thoughtful.

In November, I got to take my first trip to the Berkshires.  On our Thanksgiving vacation a combination of several of my dear friends traveled to Jeremy’s time share in the Berkshires for the holiday. We relaxed in a lovely, fancy suite and watched TV, knit, cooked, talked, and went in our exquisite jacuzzi bath tubs.  One of our favorite appointments was the fantastic pretend fireplace which shot out pretend flames and blew warm air at us while it hummed with pretend crackling fire sounds.  We also visited Mass MoCA and saw some spectacular art and dined at a delicious Chinese buffet.  On Thanksgiving day we cooked a feast of Cornish Hens and all the fixings and it was delicious and lovely!

In December, since my car had an unfortunate demise in the Berkshire Mountains, I purchased my very first brand new car.  It is a gorgeous silver Scion xD and I am completely in love with it.  Jacob helped me to pick out the best model and I scooped it up and drove it home!  No more fear about breaking down every time I leave the house.  I am happy to say that for the first time in my life I feel safe and secure leaving my house to drive somewhere.

And there you have it.  All these wonderful things happened to me this year, and looking at them all layed out like this makes me feel very proud- not bean tycoon proud, but pretty proud anyway.  Here is to another wonderful year of loving those I love and encouraging others who do not to find love and peace in their own way.

Ever Virgin.

I didn’t expect to be away for so long but the bandwidth on the site exceeded its limit whilst I was on vacation in the Berkshires.  I have a lot of things to talk about, and not the amount of time I need to devote to them at this moment, but I am sitting here in my living room, in the dark, because the internet won’t connect in my room and it occurs to me that I can give you all a little teaser of what is to come:

Farewell to my car story

Berkshires food blog

Vacation stories

Deep thoughts about church on week days

Lavan as a destructive force

You’ll find all this and more in a blog coming your way soon…or a few blogs…you know.

Ever Virgin.

There is this very quiet part of the morning, usually just before seven in the morning.  I wake up and I am weary with fatigue, clinging desperately to sleep.  Lavan is quiet in her crate, not far from view, Jacob sleeps beside me, still thickly wrapped in dreams, he’s clueless to the sounds and color of the morning in our new apartment.  Truly, we are not moved in.  Our boxes and bags fill rooms indiscriminately, trying to edge towards the walls or the middle of the floors to stay out of the way as we shuffle between filthy rooms, frustrated and forlorn.  In that quiet time, I cannot help but imagine what our new apartment WILL be once all the remodeling is complete.  The walls, cool linen white, will host tasteful art and artifacts.  New carpet and linoliem will bear the burden of four feet and twelve paws.  New furniture, clean and sleek will be arranged just so that it feels comfortable and spacious.  The baby grand piano will be a graceful beacon in the dining room and my art table will flank it just so that both of our artful passions will move against each other seamlessly.  The air will not smell of smoke, and the warm trembling of the dryer will continuously waft the sweet scent of dryer sheets into the kitchen and beyond.  It’s going to be home.  In those quiet morning moments I don’t feel stressed, or angry, or trapped- I feel safely cradled between reality and my new-day dream, and it is a very good feeling.

This week has been insanity, and I’m not ashamed to admit that I am a little worse for wear, but I am trucking on with honesty and good cheer, and hopefully soon I will have a lot more to celebrate.  Teaching my first college class was certainly a treat today- it was scarier than I thought- but the kids seem really nice.  I look forward to their journals coming in this week so I can get to know them even more.  I’m tired. Very tired.

Ever Virgin

Sometimes we get what we want, and we don’t even realize it. Sometimes we get what we want without doing anything at all. It makes me wonder- how hard do you have to think about something to force a change? Can you truly change the way things are simply by wishing hard enough- maybe even wishing without realizing you are. I guess I just wonder if God really does bless us with answered prayers more than we even realize. Everything always works out, in the end.

Vauge and pointless paragraph? I suppose I’ll pad the sides with a little actual content for good measure. We move in two days and the house is only about 50% packed. I am not worried yet though it is possible that I should be! I’m looking so forward to settle myself into a new place that I plan on residing in for several years- until I am ready to buy a home of some sort. Hopefully this year will also bring a car, I know I gave it up once and it was okay..but I just want to have one. It makes me feel safe and it makes me feel confident and secure. Hopefully by November I’ll be ready.

Yesterday I witnessed a bank robbery and its subsequent police chase and arrest. It scared me a little, but mostly it just made me sad. I thought about how desperate that man must be, knowing full well he was going to get caught, to go into the bank and rob it. I said a prayer for him. I mean, maybe he was a scumbag, or a drug addict, or selfish and cruel- but maybe he was a guy caught so tight in a life that spun out of control that he had to do it because there was no other option. Yes, I know, there is always another option- but I know what it is like to feel trapped and desperate and I wanted, at that moment, more than being scared, to pray that he is blessed and healed. Maybe it makes me a sucker, but I think I am okay with it.

I am leaving you with this comic that made me laugh so hard I had to lay down to keep from hyperventilating. I think it might only be funny to a select group of “potty trainers”, but I hope you enjoy it as much as I do. It even LOOKS like Lavan.

Ever Virgin.

I’m happy that Jacob is home.  He brought me back the prettiest opal pendant from Hawaii- I absolutely love it!  We’re thinking we might take our vacation to Hawaii instead of London this March- we’re real jet-setters.  He loved his birthday present and tomorrow we’re getting baby kitty from next door- so soon we’ll have three special friends milling around! Lavan was so excited to see Jacob and she’s very content that everyone that belongs in her family is back home.  She is currently passed out in bed beside me.

I’m exhausted already and it’s only Monday. This extra weekend of bare is killing me!  I am glad it’s happening though- I am really proud of all the hard work everyone has put in.  My favorite reviews are from broadwayworld.com, even though we got great reviews in a ton of publications.  We’re talking like a dozen reviews!  Also, the DASH awards were announced and F.U.D.G.E. picked up 6 nominations!   Kacee, Trevor, and SouixSanna got performance nominations, the vocal ensemble of I Love You Because got nominated, Props for Batboy got nominated and Joey got best director nomination for I Love You Because.  I’m very proud.  It has been a season filled to the brim with hard work.

I am looking forward to moving and settling in our new place for a few good reasons, but mostly because I am buying myself a new bed and bedroom set, a real one, for grown ups.  We’re going to have a baby grand piano so my prodigy can work on his music, and a real work table so I can scrapbook again.  I know I have to work slowly to find the things I desire, but sometimes I just want it all to happen right away POOF!!

I can’t seem to get enough sleep lately- perhaps because I was up almost every night Jacob was away- but its been going on for longer than that- my body is looking to recharge itself from fear and stress, and I just cannot seem to put it in a place long enough to keep it secure!

It’s hard to be sad or lonesome with this little one around.

Ever Virgin.

This morning, around 7 a.m. I got up to take Lavan out to the bathroom. It was pouring rain and quite slippery, and as I reached the second of three landings on the back staircase, I slipped and went crashing down the stairs. Lava was in my arms and I know I hurt her because I fell on her, but she got up once we landed, went to the bathroom and seemed fine, except for the fact that she was covered in mud. I, on the other hand, am not feeling so hot. I smashed my head on the ground so the right side of my face is scraped and sore, my shoulder, my arm, my butt, and my leg where I hit the ground are sore and my back is super tense and sore. Besides the physical injuries which only got more tender as the day progressed, I was absolutely covered in mud, I mean we are talking Swedish mud bath covered. I walked back inside in complete and utter shock, I could barely make habitual actions work. I feel pretty yucky right now.

I had to work commencement today for CAS graduate students, so I wasn’t able to even take a load off and enjoy my day or clean up as I had hoped I might be able to have the chance to do. At least the afternoon improved, Jacob and I hung out on the porch and relaxed and then we went shopping at Target and the stores around there. Jacob was a straight up sugar daddy. He kept buying me things. Then we came home and made dinner and spent time together. All the while I have been fighting the urge to curl up and never wake up because I’m so tired and sore. I feel like such a big fat idiot. At least my fat cushioned me, if I was less hugenormous than I probably would have broken a bone. I don’t care as long as Lavan was okay.

I need some sleep.

Ever Virgin.

It doesn’t take long before your puppy becomes a better companion than most of the other people in your life. She’s so very small and everything she does is interesting because she’s new. The spring really is the most fabulous time in the world to get a puppy. It is just so nice to be outside, to a purpose, a better purpose than smoking a cigarette or something, enjoying the quiet of the night. Yes, she’s naughty- she barks and howls when she can’t be in the same room as me or Jacob, but even when you think about that, its sweet. She gets a lot of attention when we go out, we cannot go five feet without someone stopping us, and people are So nice, and friendly, and talkative. Why does it take a dog to make people accessible like that? It’s nice, but ultimately a little sad. Today we’re going to the vet to make sure everything is alright with her, she’s too skinny and I want the vet to tell me what I need to do to improve her health and add a little weight to her. Also she’s going to get a microchip. She’s really, really cute. Quite the urban pup.

Ever Virgin.