The wonderful and terrible thing about human relationships is how utterly complicated they are.  How without any effort whatsoever, and with a complete lack of control, the human body and the human mind create their own natural reactions to the behavior and chemicals of another person.  I am constantly surprised by how easily and seamlessly emotions run together and turn on people, making a happy event or a sad event reverse itself almost instantly, and how even though one’s logic can talk away a hurt or a slight, ones emotions sometimes cannot.  Even when you want to stop being sad or angry, recognizing it as a severe waste of time, your emotions can choose to ignore that logic and take their own time instead.

It’s almost 10:00 am on the day after Steven’s holiday party, which was , without question, a lovely event with an interesting crowd and I’d gladly attend a similar future event if I am invited.  It went infinitely better than the last time I hung out with Steven’s friends, on the whole.  While I was there, Brody, who is Steven’s roommate, was recommending movies to me and mentioned that Jacob and Steven saw Milk together on their Christmas holiday.  For those of you without the history Jacob and I had plans to see this movie, and he ruined  them by being late from an outing with Steven that he could have easily declined but didn’t even though he knew he would be late.  I had my heart set on seeing this movie and I was very disappointed- so Steven and Jacob offered to treat me to the film because they knew I was so upset about missing it.  It was a nice gesture and I appreciated it, though they never offered again and thusly we didn’t go.  It was inappropriate, in my mind, for me to bring this up, “hey you need to take me to that free movie you promised me,” so I waited for them to invite me- it didn’t happen.  So when I found out last night that instead of taking me to see the film I missed (did I mention they were free passes with a talk-back by the director and some of the actors after the show?) because of their selfishness, they instead took themselves to see the movie together and without me.  I didn’t know WHAT to do.  I felt a little bubble of pain and injustice burst in my heart.  I didn’t want to be upset, I wanted to let it roll off of me, but I couldn’t.  It really hurt my feelings.  It is so difficult to see a friendship you’ve grown and cultivated and cherished and cared for absolutely and instantly tossed aside for someone who is almost a stranger.   I know Jacob doesn’t want to hurt me, I know he loves me and he tries to be a good friend to me.  Logic dictates that I am overreacting when I get so hurt over a slight as insignificant as seeing a movie.  But it’s more than that- its the feeling of being disregarded when the two of them had date plans they liked better than keeping their word.  I just wouldn’t ever do something like that to someone that I claimed to care about.   And you know- Jacob had nothing to say about it.  He was just going to ignore it like it never happened and he didn’t even apologize.  I had to ask him to say he was sorry, which means he actually wasn’t sorry and was placating me.  Even then I wanted to just forget about it but the idea that he couldn’t care any less just ate and me and made me even more upset.

Its no longer Saturday, and I have things to do in my life that make still feeling sad about this a waste of my time, but I cannot seem to shake it.  It feels so sneaky.  Like the two of them were going to pull one over on silly little Shan and think that I’d be none the wiser.  That’s not how it usually works with me.  I tend to always acquire the knowledge somehow- the truth just sort of floats around me until it touches me, it has always been that way.  If Jacob had just told me- “When we were in P-Town we saw Milk, there was nothing else playing at the theater!  We loved it!  We’d totally go again to see it, do you still want to go?”  I would have said oh no…it’s okay…I’ll wait, but thanks for asking!  But I would have felt like he respected me enough to at least tell me.  Even if he was totally lying and could care less about my feelings, at least I wouldn’t have felt like a discarded shoe.  I just want so badly for him to apologize in earnest, so that I don’t have this weight sitting on my heart- but he won’t.  People don’t always give you what you need.  People let you down.  Friends let you down.

And that is what makes human emotions so complicated.  Because I am raw with love for him even still.  It doesn’t matter how many times this sort of thing might happen, I still love him as one of my dearest friends on this earth and I couldn’t picture not having him as a part of my life.  I mean, love, in all its variations, platonic to romantic, is so beautiful because it smothers all those other emotions and in the end the love will always win- at least for me.  Even though what I need from him is some sort of explanation as to why my feelings meant so little to him, what will replace that need is the wash of love that we share.  That love will fill in the cracks of my sadness and hurt and I won’t feel it anymore except in the dark hours of the night when all the other emotions tie their strings together, wrap themselves around me, and make me wonder why I ever thought I was worthy of real love or friendship in the first place. And those nightime sadnesses don’t matter- they are only shadows meant specifically to beat me down, and so far, I’ve been able to take them on pretty successfully.  It is hard though- and even harder when they get the amunition like this to keep feeding them and making them stronger.  It’s hard to battle against the thought, “your dearest friends don’t even care about you enough to keep their word…”

I think I am going to try to be productive, clean my house up, caress my dog, try to ascribe positive emotions to complicated and sad scenarios.  I know I don’t usually get so specific with actual names, but this one wasn’t going to go anywhere unless I shared it.  So here it is.  Proof that sometimes even I am not strong enough to hold it all inside.

Ever Virgin.

It’s very romantic at 60 Rue De Woodlawn tonight- the snow has covered us with a white blanket, quiet music plays from the iTunes library, Lavan doses peacefully in her chair, exhausted from a previous romp outside, the Christmas tree sparkles in silver and blue, and Shannon lays, alone, on the couch and thinks about how much more alone it feels to be snowed in alone than if it weren’t snowing. I don’t want to feel like this anymore. I shouldn’t be complaining.  I saw Matt today, talked to my Mom, finally got a response from Amber, and spent a few hours hanging out with Joanna, Joanna, James and Chris tonight.  I wasn’t really alone all day- I had good company.  I worked on sewing, I watched some Big Love.  But I am complaining.  I am complaining and complaining because I cannot lock the door because it seems like maybe it is frozen, and I am here alone, with the door open, in a snowstorm, having to bear 100% responsibility of taking the dog out in the freezing wetness and that makes me feel like it is alright to complain.  I think it is really lame to be here alone right now. Lame and thoughtless.

Gloria had so much good advice for me when we last visited one another.  She told me all the things I did not want to hear, all the things that I know are true but don’t want to face.  Gloria is one of the best friends I have ever had because she refuses to allow me to put on a face for her.  She can access me almost instantly.  She can see right to the pain that I am good at hiding from others.  Maybe it is only that she cares about me a little bit more than most people.  Or that we’re just good at being friends.  But whatever the reason, Gloria is right.  I have to be responsible for the care and maintanence of my own heart.  I have to close the parts of me that are open.  In order to not feel this way anymore, I have to give some things up.  I cannot be good all the time.  I can not give as much love as I give.  I can not pretend things are good when they aren’t good.  I can not feel sorry for being sick, for being weak, for needing help, and for crying.  I have to focus my attention on scenereos and people who have my best interest at heart, and give me consistent, clear, unwavering love and attention- love and attention that can be counted on.  I have to give up relationships that are toxic.  I have to give up my inclination to care for and love people who do not give me proper care and love in return.  It is so difficult though.  I don’t know how.    How do you tell someone you love that they have failed you?

I do not have what I need right now.  I am not safe and secure in my home right now.  I am going to stay up all night, and no one at all will hear me, and sometimes I can almost fool myself into believing that I deserve it.  But only sometimes.

Ever Virgin.

I am yours for so little.  For such a small amount, almost nothing, yours.  I cannot think of something I wouldn’t do if you asked me to.  You hold all the power and you are phenomenally dangerous to me.  I cannot imagine what it would be like to not have loved you.  And I can tell myself endlessly to cease, that time and destiny have parted us irrevocably, but it doesn’t stop me.  For a song, for a song, yours for just one song.  …this world was never meant for one as beautiful as you.

Ever Virgin.