Love ya, Babe.

Dear Self,

I don’t want to fight with you anymore.  We’ve been at it for years, you and I.  It is a constant struggle and I am so tired of struggling.  We go through these phases, hating each other venomously, keeping ourselves up at night crying and huddled in a little ball, wishing and hoping for some sort of relief, praying over and over again the same desperate plea, “help me…help me…help me…”  We wade through the madness of this life in a constant state of tension, never feeling good enough, never feeling smart enough, never feeling pretty enough, just wanting to find some way of feeling safe and secure.  We hurt each other.
No one, no one living, no one dead, has ever said the sort of vile, hurtful things that I allow myself to say to you.  I would never speak to anyone, no matter how much I hated them, the way I speak to you.  And I don’t hate you.  I love you.  Through it all, I love you and I know how truly Good you are.  It is so painful to go through this life.  We are facing catastrophic struggles, struggles that are beyond even our comprehension, and yet we do it, you and I- we climb every hill with strength and fortitude, pushing mountains of love in every direction, throwing adoration and awe wherever we can and never saving even a little bit of it for us.
I’m so sorry.  I am sorry that I do this to you.  I am sorry that I cannot, on my own, give you what you need to feel worthy of love.  I am sorry that I make you feel like you are not good enough, because you are.  I am saying it right here and right now, in front of any witness that comes our way: you ARE good enough.  You ARE worthy of love, of attention, of good friends, of a life that is safe, and happy, and fun.  You are a good person.  You work hard.  You are smart.  I applaud you for working through your struggles, I caress you inside and outside for every moment you feel lonely and lost.  You are okay.  Until the time comes when you can find someone who wants to share the unique, beautiful, faithful person that you are, I will love you enough for the both of us.  It is time to stop this war.  It is time to take what you used to be, and make it better- I will help you.  I will be here.  I will love you enough and you don’t have to give me anything in return.  You don’t owe me anything.  I love you because you are a perfect creation of God just as you are.  I love you because you are capable of giving of yourself when you have nothing to give.  I love you because you are good enough.
If you need to cry, then cry, I am here.  Don’t stop yourself, don’t see it as a sign of weakness, don’t hurt yourself any more.  Let the tears fall and don’t blame yourself for not being strong enough.  If you are sad, be sad, the sadness will pass and I will still be here, by your side, constantly devoted.  When you are happy, don’t try to hold onto it so tightly, always in fear that you will forget what it feels like in the cold hours of the night, because I will remember it and I will remind you, and I will keep reminding you forever and ever.  The time has come for us to be united.  The time has come for us to give up this fight.  Trust me now, because I will not let you down.  I promise.

Love,
Me

George W. Bush is not going to be our president, tomorrow.  Our Nation is breathing a collective, albeit shallow, breath.  It feels like the enormous tension of anger and grief is loosening its hold from around our hearts.  I cannot help but notice that despite the obvious fears of a bad economy and high rate of unemployment, we are a people of hope, and we just want a chance to feel like we are part of something that isn’t based on lies and deceit- that we can hold our heads erect and not feel like the world’s laughing stock.  I just want to feel proud to be an American again, and I think it is almost time.

In other news, Jason proposed to Jen this weekend- I am going to have a sister!  I am really excited for them both, I could not think of a more wonderful girl to join the Rosa clan than Jen.  She truly is a great girl.  I adore her.  I cannot help but feel the tiniest littlest bit of frustration and impatience that I am not set on this road as well, but I try to think less of that and more of the great opportunities that will someday await me, distant though they may seem.  I am going to be attending a lot of weddings in the next few years, so I better get used to it!  I can already think of four I’ll be attending in 2009, in one of which I will be a bridesmaid- and I haven’t even really put a lot of thought into it!  God bless them all for their love and happiness- keep um coming, folks, I’ll be happy to shower you with love and good wishes and then secretly complain about it whilst eating from a huge tub of peanut butter on my couch…just kidding (only not really).

Off to bed- two more slipcovers to polish off prior to the inaguration!

Ever Virgin.