Back again tonight as insomnia threatens me with a crushing blow.  I can’t seem to relax at night here yet and then I spend my day completely exhausted.  I feel like I know how this happened, I know the exact moment when the switch hit my brain and said, “there’s a problem here.” I can feel everything about it down to the curve of my spine.  I replay it over and over again as I lie here awake, a breath away from hyperventaling, thinking about when I was little and I used to lie terrified in my bed, willing myself back to sleep after a nightmare, wanting so badly to get up and flee to my parent’s room but knowing I could not make it a habit.  So I would try to be diplomatic with myself.  How terrified was I?  Was I sweating?  Nauseous?  Or was I just afraid.  Was the dream about a make believe thing like getting chased by a dragon or a real thing like getting hit by a car?  How plausible would my reasoning be behind getting up and going to my Mom?  I would weigh the options, and sometimes terror would get the better of me, and off I would go- but more than those nights that I did go, I remember how angry I used to feel that I had to barter with myself over fear.  I hated that I couldn’t just sleep like everyone else- that my nights were endlessly plagued by being chased or kidnapped, bloodied or separated by fire or water or earthquake from my parents.  I was angry that the logical thinking me knew there was no reality behind the dreams, but the feeling breathing me was scared and shaking.  I can’t help but think of those times now when I lie awake, fears a little more realistic and that much closer to coming true- and I test myself- how much panic before I get up?  Where can I go if I am too panicked to stay in bed?  Bathroom?  Front porch? Jacob’s room?  What are the levels of hysteria that match each location?  And all of it has such an easy fix that I am powerless to make happen. I was so spoiled.  Spoiled enough to remember what its like to feel completely secure for long enough to forget what it feels like not to be.

I’m going to listen to “Vincent” and then try again for rest.

Ever Virgin.