So I suppose I lost the 100 word challenge, if we can define these sorts of things as won or lost- but the reason I didn’t make it was that I arrived home from Mohegan Sun at 4am Sunday morning after our exciting Saturday excursion.  It was one of my favorite memories to date with Jacob.  We just had the best time- it was perfect.  We arrived by 5:30 and went to eat at the buffet, which I always get a kick out of- I just cannot help but enjoy watching people (myself included) pile up ridiculously enormous plates of completely sumptuous food, eat half, and then go up and do it all over again.  They had some delicious meats.  We walked around the casino and gambled away a bit of money, I lost a 20- and then we headed on over to the Arena for the real purpose of our trip- the Rascal Flatts concert.   The seats were actually a LOT better than I thought they were going to be! They were, without question, the most humble, genial, warm group of performers I have ever seen!  They were signing things, giving kisses, telling wonderful stories- at one point they even invited a couple on stage, and the guy proposed to his girlfriend and then they serenaded them with “God Bless the Broken Road” while they had their first dance in front of everyone.  It was magical.  They played all the good songs, had awesome effects, and the best part for me, is they took a minute to thank everyone for buying tickets in these hard economic times.  I don’t know why but it really felt touching and sincere.  It was wonderful.
After the concert we spent almost two hours waiting for Jacob’s chosen blackjack table to open up, but in that time I figured out the ins and outs of the game and really enjoyed watching him play for about an hour or so before I decided to sit down at a neighboring slot machine.  I was joking around about wanting to play the playboy slots and there was a penny slot there that was playboy, so of course I chose it.  I hit the button once- and ended up winning $155.00!  So I cashed out right away and filed it right into my cruise fun!  I watched Jacob some more, got us coffees, and was having an all around blast- around 2am we decided we needed to call it quits so we hopped in the car and drove home- they whole time Pandora played ridiculous Broadway and movie duets and we sang them together so we wouldn’t fall asleep.  It was one of those nights that I try to hold on to as a memory when I am alone for these long stretches of time.. I haven’t seen him since then, you see, and probably won’t until tomorrow night- or maybe even later, who knows? He might be dead- I have no idea.   At least I can remember that huge amount of fun and feel grateful that I get to have good memories with people that I care about.

I’m going to head to bed now- back to the old work routine in the a.m.

Today was one of those wonderful days that I try to bank in my memory for when the times get tough.  It was actually an all day snow storm, and I spent at least 75% of the day with wet and cold feet, but I have, overall, felt a lot worse being outside- it wasn’t too cold overall and at least my pants were not wet- I’d take pretty much any other wet garment over wet pant legs.  YUCK.

So Jacob and I trudged through the morning snow, our usual chipper and annoying-to-passerby selves, and arrived at Arlington Street to find our choir was only 7 people.  We were small, but mighty- and I actually had a lot of fun singing and being there- then we spent the early afternoon ogling shoes at The Tannery and various housewares at Anthropologie before a very cheap but satisfying lunch at The Pourhouse- seriously- two burgers, a mountain of fries, a fried egg, and a beer for only 20$ in BOSTON?  It’s unheard of!  We parted ways and I headed off to meet up with Carrie to see a show at The Lyric which I am reviewing for Boston Theatre Review.  Overall, we both enjoyed it- and I REALLY enjoyed getting to spend time with her in the Prudential afterward, catching up and talking about our 2010 health goals.  She’s an excellent work out partner and friend.  I’m extremely glad to have met her.

I joined Jacob on the couch by 7pm where we rotted our brains and our stomachs with pointless tv and bad chinese food, and I was extremely excited to find a clean and sweet smelling freshly bathed dog.  Lavan is an excellent winter time heater and snuggle buddy, but a pee-scented dog in your bed isn’t the best- so that was a nice surprise.

Overall I was just happy and the stress of this upcoming month just sorted melted away for a few hours.  Boy am I grateful.  I am labeling all of these happy entries with “2010 rocks” so I can just click the tag to remind myself that I do have wonderful, happy days despite all the emo babble that usually fills this journal.

Love ya, Babe.

I know it might sound funny but with so much running around in my head, its hard to pick out any one thought and allow it to spin itself into writing for human consumption.  I had a snow day today, and kept busy in my own, hobbling way, but doing my roommate’s laundry and cleaning the hall closet and the kitchen and generally trying to make my house a wonderful, comfortable and happy place to live.

There was a time, a few months back, that I was terrified that Jacob was going to move out of the house- following a progression that I am used to, I assumed not long after his dating Steven began, he’d want to move in with him- I am following, of course, the example of my former roommate.  I am sure that this fear was only partially a fear of his moving and more a fear of his symbolic moving away from being my friend (another progression I’ve become all too familiar with over the past year or so) but as the time goes on, we do more and more to make the house look nice- and I just don’t want to move anywhere else for a long time.  So I am going to stay here.  I will stay here as long as I can, and hopefully it will be with the roommate I love and adore, but if he should want to leave me, I will stay anyway.  Once I let this sink into my heart, my time has gotten easier.  I think I just have to accept that no matter how much I want to feel safe and secure, sometimes there are things beyond our control, and I have to be okay with that.

So I am continuing to improve the abode while at the same time trying to rest my foot, and trying to prepare for the Opera and for various exciting F.U.D.G.E. events.  I am excited about F.U.D.G.E.’s upcoming cabaret, The Distance You Have Come: The Music of Scott Alan.  I think it is such a great opportunity to feature F.U.D.G.E. and raise money for a worthy cause.  And it will be fun to hang out at the Encore, especially because I am manning the table for this awesome postcard writing initiative to repeal the defense of marriage act!  The awareness video they made is awesome!

Big goals for the month of March are buying a dresser and a mattress with my income tax refund check.  Also I am looking forward to seeing Dirty Dancing this Friday!  Woot!

Ever Virgin

Welcome to 2009 my friends.  A year has flown by and I didn’t even notice and suddenly here I am in the last year of the 0’s without much claim to fame and without much to show for it.  I am not married to a baked bean tycoon, I have never touched a peacock, and I don’t live in a glorious castle on the French Riviera.  These things alone are reasons to note that my life is a failure, I am sure you would all agree.  I could go on all day listing the various things that I am not or haven’t done with myself in the last year, but instead I am going to give you the Shannon Rosa top list of things about 2008.

In February,  I had a Leap Year party and a LOT of people who mean a lot to me showed up.  Not only did I get to see lots of my every day and fudge friends, but Scot, John and Erin, and Mike Kinnally showed up too.  It made me feel extremely happy and loved to have them all there for me, and to celebrate the one extra day of the year!

In April, Jacob hosted a beautiful Seder dinner at the Woodlawn. It was hands down one of the most fun parties I have ever been to- the food was excellent, the company was excellent, there was a LOT of wine and good conversation, and everything looked beautiful.  It was really fun and silly to prepare for this dinner with no car, as we didn’t have one in April- you haven’t lived until you have seen Jacob carrying a 50 lb push cart up 5 flights of steps because it was so heavy the wheels broke off completely.

In May, the Woodlawn welcomed Lavan Celine Rosa-Krause into our lives.  She has been a whole lot of work, that is to be sure, but she has given us a lot of love and a lot of joy as she has grown from baby dog into big girl.  She has a lot of work to do before she is a really good girl, lots and lots of growing to do and less kicky lickying, but she has made this year a fantastic adventure.

In June, I spent several days on the Cape with a bunch of my friends first at Kristin’s Cape house and then later, Kyle, Jeremy and Jacob joined me for several days and I held a big party on Saturday night in Eastham where a bunch more of my friends came together to hang out with me.  Admittedly there were a few sticky moments in the week, but I think that makes it even better because you appreciate the good times more when you have something to compare them to. It was so wonderful to see friends from Stonehill, too.

In August, we had another addition to the family, Xander came home to be our third and final pet.  We took him from a litter of kittens from next door, because Jacob had never had a baby kitty of his own before.  The house seemed pretty full with Seamus, Lavan AND Xander, but we got used to it quickly as everyone found their own unique relationships with one another.  Lavan and Xander are especially playful together.

On September 1st, Jacob and I moved from The Woodlawn, to our new apartment, 60 Rue de Woodlawn- right next door!  Despite the fact that it was a mess and we needed to sleep on a mattress on the floor for almost two months while they fixed everything up, we were both extremely happy to get to stay on the same street we were on before and also have a space we could have control over without having to worry about any weirdo third room mates.  The best part about the new apartment is that it has a washer and dryer in the unit so we don’t ever have to lug our laundry any further than across the room to wash it.

In September, I started to teach my first class at Suffolk University, SU101.  It is a class which gives a support system to new students and helps to guide them along the path of responsible behavior.  I really liked a lot of my studrnts and admired their hard work.   It was also very cool to get to know some of the Suffolk incoming freshman and to make a friend of my TA, Matt.  He is an amazing kid with a lot of future potential and we were matched up VERY well.

Also in September, I auditioned for and was accepted into the Back Bay Chorale, a group of 100 singers in the metro Boston area who put on concerts of challenging classical music four times a year.  I was so nervous about trying out but I really felt strongly that I needed to do something to help me work out my voice and stimulate me intellectually.  I got to be better friends with our neighbor, Joanna, who is also in the chorus with me and made some other nice friends throughout the last few months.

In October, I got a bed.  No.  Seriously.  Since February, I was sleeping on my mattress on the floor and I had gotten to the end of my ability to see that as a good idea, so a trip to Ikea produced a beautiful black wrought iron bed for me to sleep on, and my wonderful room mate and his wonderful new boyfriend put it together for me one night while I was at choir rehearsal because they are sweet and thoughtful.

In November, I got to take my first trip to the Berkshires.  On our Thanksgiving vacation a combination of several of my dear friends traveled to Jeremy’s time share in the Berkshires for the holiday. We relaxed in a lovely, fancy suite and watched TV, knit, cooked, talked, and went in our exquisite jacuzzi bath tubs.  One of our favorite appointments was the fantastic pretend fireplace which shot out pretend flames and blew warm air at us while it hummed with pretend crackling fire sounds.  We also visited Mass MoCA and saw some spectacular art and dined at a delicious Chinese buffet.  On Thanksgiving day we cooked a feast of Cornish Hens and all the fixings and it was delicious and lovely!

In December, since my car had an unfortunate demise in the Berkshire Mountains, I purchased my very first brand new car.  It is a gorgeous silver Scion xD and I am completely in love with it.  Jacob helped me to pick out the best model and I scooped it up and drove it home!  No more fear about breaking down every time I leave the house.  I am happy to say that for the first time in my life I feel safe and secure leaving my house to drive somewhere.

And there you have it.  All these wonderful things happened to me this year, and looking at them all layed out like this makes me feel very proud- not bean tycoon proud, but pretty proud anyway.  Here is to another wonderful year of loving those I love and encouraging others who do not to find love and peace in their own way.

Ever Virgin.

The wonderful and terrible thing about human relationships is how utterly complicated they are.  How without any effort whatsoever, and with a complete lack of control, the human body and the human mind create their own natural reactions to the behavior and chemicals of another person.  I am constantly surprised by how easily and seamlessly emotions run together and turn on people, making a happy event or a sad event reverse itself almost instantly, and how even though one’s logic can talk away a hurt or a slight, ones emotions sometimes cannot.  Even when you want to stop being sad or angry, recognizing it as a severe waste of time, your emotions can choose to ignore that logic and take their own time instead.

It’s almost 10:00 am on the day after Steven’s holiday party, which was , without question, a lovely event with an interesting crowd and I’d gladly attend a similar future event if I am invited.  It went infinitely better than the last time I hung out with Steven’s friends, on the whole.  While I was there, Brody, who is Steven’s roommate, was recommending movies to me and mentioned that Jacob and Steven saw Milk together on their Christmas holiday.  For those of you without the history Jacob and I had plans to see this movie, and he ruined  them by being late from an outing with Steven that he could have easily declined but didn’t even though he knew he would be late.  I had my heart set on seeing this movie and I was very disappointed- so Steven and Jacob offered to treat me to the film because they knew I was so upset about missing it.  It was a nice gesture and I appreciated it, though they never offered again and thusly we didn’t go.  It was inappropriate, in my mind, for me to bring this up, “hey you need to take me to that free movie you promised me,” so I waited for them to invite me- it didn’t happen.  So when I found out last night that instead of taking me to see the film I missed (did I mention they were free passes with a talk-back by the director and some of the actors after the show?) because of their selfishness, they instead took themselves to see the movie together and without me.  I didn’t know WHAT to do.  I felt a little bubble of pain and injustice burst in my heart.  I didn’t want to be upset, I wanted to let it roll off of me, but I couldn’t.  It really hurt my feelings.  It is so difficult to see a friendship you’ve grown and cultivated and cherished and cared for absolutely and instantly tossed aside for someone who is almost a stranger.   I know Jacob doesn’t want to hurt me, I know he loves me and he tries to be a good friend to me.  Logic dictates that I am overreacting when I get so hurt over a slight as insignificant as seeing a movie.  But it’s more than that- its the feeling of being disregarded when the two of them had date plans they liked better than keeping their word.  I just wouldn’t ever do something like that to someone that I claimed to care about.   And you know- Jacob had nothing to say about it.  He was just going to ignore it like it never happened and he didn’t even apologize.  I had to ask him to say he was sorry, which means he actually wasn’t sorry and was placating me.  Even then I wanted to just forget about it but the idea that he couldn’t care any less just ate and me and made me even more upset.

Its no longer Saturday, and I have things to do in my life that make still feeling sad about this a waste of my time, but I cannot seem to shake it.  It feels so sneaky.  Like the two of them were going to pull one over on silly little Shan and think that I’d be none the wiser.  That’s not how it usually works with me.  I tend to always acquire the knowledge somehow- the truth just sort of floats around me until it touches me, it has always been that way.  If Jacob had just told me- “When we were in P-Town we saw Milk, there was nothing else playing at the theater!  We loved it!  We’d totally go again to see it, do you still want to go?”  I would have said oh no…it’s okay…I’ll wait, but thanks for asking!  But I would have felt like he respected me enough to at least tell me.  Even if he was totally lying and could care less about my feelings, at least I wouldn’t have felt like a discarded shoe.  I just want so badly for him to apologize in earnest, so that I don’t have this weight sitting on my heart- but he won’t.  People don’t always give you what you need.  People let you down.  Friends let you down.

And that is what makes human emotions so complicated.  Because I am raw with love for him even still.  It doesn’t matter how many times this sort of thing might happen, I still love him as one of my dearest friends on this earth and I couldn’t picture not having him as a part of my life.  I mean, love, in all its variations, platonic to romantic, is so beautiful because it smothers all those other emotions and in the end the love will always win- at least for me.  Even though what I need from him is some sort of explanation as to why my feelings meant so little to him, what will replace that need is the wash of love that we share.  That love will fill in the cracks of my sadness and hurt and I won’t feel it anymore except in the dark hours of the night when all the other emotions tie their strings together, wrap themselves around me, and make me wonder why I ever thought I was worthy of real love or friendship in the first place. And those nightime sadnesses don’t matter- they are only shadows meant specifically to beat me down, and so far, I’ve been able to take them on pretty successfully.  It is hard though- and even harder when they get the amunition like this to keep feeding them and making them stronger.  It’s hard to battle against the thought, “your dearest friends don’t even care about you enough to keep their word…”

I think I am going to try to be productive, clean my house up, caress my dog, try to ascribe positive emotions to complicated and sad scenarios.  I know I don’t usually get so specific with actual names, but this one wasn’t going to go anywhere unless I shared it.  So here it is.  Proof that sometimes even I am not strong enough to hold it all inside.

Ever Virgin.

Just got back from dinner at The Palm, in Boston.  It’s Jacob and my favorite place to go, even if it costs a fortune.  It was a nice treat, even though we only went there last a week ago (and spent twice as much!) There’s something very special about going to an expensive restaurant.  Our waiter, who remembered us, and the wine we ordered, was attentive, thoughtful, and conversational.  To, for an hour or so, feel important, even in such a stupidly simple way as a restaurant guest, puts my mind at ease.  I like dressing nice and going to dinner. Jacob joined the 385 club at the restaurant today.  We get points for eating there.  We’re going to earn enough to go on vacation. (details to follow).

My stomach feels very unfriendly right now, an unfortunate side effect of eating nothing until our 7:00pm reservation.  It isn’t often that I’d wait so long to eat in a day but work is busy, hectic, and very stressful with the demanding Rosenberg Institute programing.  I do like my job, though not everything about it is good.  I don’t think anyone’s job is completely awesome, so I am NOT complaining.  I just need a vacation, which I will soon be getting as we head off to the Berkshires for Thanksgiving.  I just need to be away from work for an extended period of time.  I need to be away from this house, too, to be able to clarify my head from the slosh that has become my bedfellow.  I know this pain and frustration isn’t worth it- it’s just hard to pull yourself out once you begin. Besides, I look pretty in green.

Also, today I decided that if I were to throw myself in front of a bus, I would bequeeth the following items to those I love:  My vast collection of books, to Joe.  My scrapbooks in all their forms to Kacee.  Lavan and Seamus to Jacob.  My DS and games to Kerri.  I don’t really have anything of value, but let it be known, if I should throw myself in front of a bus, that those items should be doled out accordingly.

Does someone want to get me a tattoo for Christmas?

Ever Virgin.

I’m happy that Jacob is home.  He brought me back the prettiest opal pendant from Hawaii- I absolutely love it!  We’re thinking we might take our vacation to Hawaii instead of London this March- we’re real jet-setters.  He loved his birthday present and tomorrow we’re getting baby kitty from next door- so soon we’ll have three special friends milling around! Lavan was so excited to see Jacob and she’s very content that everyone that belongs in her family is back home.  She is currently passed out in bed beside me.

I’m exhausted already and it’s only Monday. This extra weekend of bare is killing me!  I am glad it’s happening though- I am really proud of all the hard work everyone has put in.  My favorite reviews are from broadwayworld.com, even though we got great reviews in a ton of publications.  We’re talking like a dozen reviews!  Also, the DASH awards were announced and F.U.D.G.E. picked up 6 nominations!   Kacee, Trevor, and SouixSanna got performance nominations, the vocal ensemble of I Love You Because got nominated, Props for Batboy got nominated and Joey got best director nomination for I Love You Because.  I’m very proud.  It has been a season filled to the brim with hard work.

I am looking forward to moving and settling in our new place for a few good reasons, but mostly because I am buying myself a new bed and bedroom set, a real one, for grown ups.  We’re going to have a baby grand piano so my prodigy can work on his music, and a real work table so I can scrapbook again.  I know I have to work slowly to find the things I desire, but sometimes I just want it all to happen right away POOF!!

I can’t seem to get enough sleep lately- perhaps because I was up almost every night Jacob was away- but its been going on for longer than that- my body is looking to recharge itself from fear and stress, and I just cannot seem to put it in a place long enough to keep it secure!

It’s almost 2 am and I am alone in my apartment.  I can’t sleep.  I did a full day’s worth of activities, including a web steering meeting, a communications team meeting, a screening of the batman movie (amazing! disturbing!) with Serge and some general cleaning and organizing of the house space.  There’s no reason why I shouldn’t be able to sleep, and yet, there it is, sitting in the small of my back as I lay here on my stomach, typing, the weight that is cool and clammy and oppressive, daring me to move, daring me to make a sound, daring my thoughts to stray to a place where the colors and sounds are much more simple and  much more connected to memories.

You know, without him here, the house just feels wrong.  Even with an echo of a dinner party, even with company in my bed, there is still something missing- the smell of his wet soap in the shower or the dim glow of his computer screen from his bedroom.  It makes me wonder when it happened that a solitary world became a joint world.  I like him better than practically any other person I’ve ever lived with unless you count school roomates which personally, I would not.  He’s a very good companion. Safe, reliable, steadfast.

Maybe that’s why I can’t sleep- but it might also be the feeling of overwhelming dread that I cannot seem to shake- I cannot seem to find, in my head, the way to work everything out so that I can make it through the rest of this run of BARE, pack the house, move, live in a compromised space until our new place is renovated,  start a new semester, teach a class, plan a season of fudge…theres even more things- a few weddings, Lavan getting spayed, and officially changing all of my documents to MA ones, to  name some… it isn’t that any one of these items is overwhelming, or even all of them as a unit- it is that I am missing something that I cannot quite name.

It’s a feeling.  Like the glimmer of joy I got when Anise facebook messaged me from Spain, a jolt of electricity that comes when you know that someone you delight in is thinking of you- that notion that for the briefest of moments you are more than just one person, but a combination of feelings and emotions and slimier stuff like blood and marrow from two different people.  I don’t know how it is that he can still make me feel that way, and why Serge, for all his loveliness, doesn’t make me feel that way- which makes me think like it is pointless to go on dates with him, even though he’s a very nice man.  I don’t know what I want except to feel that glimmer of joy more often than I do now- I guess I never put the words together before, but I’m looking for my east coast, appropriate, all weather Anise.  I don’t know where he is, but if I could find him, I’d feel a lot better about the months ahead.

Do you keep dating a nice person you don’t ultimately think will be the right person?  I mean, generally I think the answer is no, but in some cases isn’t it healthy to just -be- dating, even if they don’t fit the pristine model?  I mean how many Anise’s are there out there?  At least my model boy’s merits are almost purely intellectual (though the hair was nice- and the tallness) and spiritual.  Sigh.  This isn’t helping me to get to sleep;  Maybe a shower will help- or a glass of green tea.

pointless rambling of an insomniac.

Ever Virgin.

My room mate talks to the television when he plays video games. His look of concentration borders on crazed. To be engaged with an expression as intense would be a great accomplishment to any mate. Instead of interacting with him, I take photographs of him in photo booth and transform them into art pieces. I call this one “Room Mate Soup”. (You can see a little thigh in there and a little rim of glasses, if you look hard enough).

I tried to entertain myself reading Craig’s List personals, they made me laugh for a time, until I got to the m4m ones and almost gagged myself at people’s total lack of discretion! I mean, to each their own, but wow, full face and naked body shots for the world to see- perhaps that’s the point (like when people record themselves masturbating, I’d imagine).

Ever Virgin.