Today was one of those wonderful days that I try to bank in my memory for when the times get tough.  It was actually an all day snow storm, and I spent at least 75% of the day with wet and cold feet, but I have, overall, felt a lot worse being outside- it wasn’t too cold overall and at least my pants were not wet- I’d take pretty much any other wet garment over wet pant legs.  YUCK.

So Jacob and I trudged through the morning snow, our usual chipper and annoying-to-passerby selves, and arrived at Arlington Street to find our choir was only 7 people.  We were small, but mighty- and I actually had a lot of fun singing and being there- then we spent the early afternoon ogling shoes at The Tannery and various housewares at Anthropologie before a very cheap but satisfying lunch at The Pourhouse- seriously- two burgers, a mountain of fries, a fried egg, and a beer for only 20$ in BOSTON?  It’s unheard of!  We parted ways and I headed off to meet up with Carrie to see a show at The Lyric which I am reviewing for Boston Theatre Review.  Overall, we both enjoyed it- and I REALLY enjoyed getting to spend time with her in the Prudential afterward, catching up and talking about our 2010 health goals.  She’s an excellent work out partner and friend.  I’m extremely glad to have met her.

I joined Jacob on the couch by 7pm where we rotted our brains and our stomachs with pointless tv and bad chinese food, and I was extremely excited to find a clean and sweet smelling freshly bathed dog.  Lavan is an excellent winter time heater and snuggle buddy, but a pee-scented dog in your bed isn’t the best- so that was a nice surprise.

Overall I was just happy and the stress of this upcoming month just sorted melted away for a few hours.  Boy am I grateful.  I am labeling all of these happy entries with “2010 rocks” so I can just click the tag to remind myself that I do have wonderful, happy days despite all the emo babble that usually fills this journal.

I’ve been alone in the house for a couple of days now.  Friday, Saturday, Sunday- the tail end of a pretty thanksgiving.  I think a lot.  I think the primary function of a roommate or mate is to prevent long stretches of profound thinking.  I just downloaded the new Tori Amos holiday song album and have been listening to her very supple and unique tone- she’s something special- she moves right through my heart like a painful but beautiful breath.  Sometimes I feel like she is what the voice inside my head sounds like.

Lavan, my constant companion, is peering at me. Like the child born to keep together fading lovers she tries to pull me out of my reverie, shoving her toys at me, showing off, offering me her kisses as if she were a consolation prize.  I cannot picture days like this without her diligent attention on me.  “I’m pretty Mommy.  You’re pretty Mommy.  I love you Mommy. Look what I have for you. Want to throw this for me?  Maybe we could just sleep.”  It’s a song her eyes sing on repeat for me.  Seamus sliding in to sit beside us, I wonder if this is how it will always be.  Just me and them.

I often think that the answer is change- change something.  Change what I do, change who I see, change how I look- just make some change that will bring me closer to someone that someone needs.  I think though, no matter how many times I think it, it must be the wrong answer.  If it were the right answer then I would change.  And things would get better.  I wouldn’t feel like this anymore.  I cannot tell you how many dates I went on this year, thinking someone, anyone, could work out and end this.  No one was anyone I wanted to see more than once, maybe twice if I forced myself.  No one was anyone I didn’t think I would rather be home with my dog for.  No one was anyone that looked at me with even an ounce of recollection for the amazing depth and quality of my heart.  And worse, the ones, or I should say, one, who whispered at my core for the first time in, hell, years, only to systematically disappear making me wonder if I imagined the whole thing.  Sometimes I want to relocate my entire heart and replace it with something smaller cheaper and easier.  I am growing so tired of trying, and I haven’t even begun to try.

I wish it was early enough to go to bed, even if its only return to the same dream I have almost every night. A hard thing to wake up to every morning, the same old violence by a varied cast of characters.  But insomnia doesn’t work.  Waking dreams are as bad.  I am ridiculously looking forward to being back at work tomorrow where I am distracted and I can enjoy the company of people who value me.  Imagine that.  I suppose that is my fault, too.  Like everything else.  Like every other failure.  I don’t want this path anymore but I cannot seem to find a different one.

Today is thanksgiving and it is 2:10 a.m.  Insomnia is fierce and I am wide awake.  So I thought I’d put together a gratitude list in honor of the Thanksgiving holiday complete with photographs.

In 2009, I have been grateful for:

My awesome family who is always supportive and inspires me to be better every day.

For having had the opportunity to know just how much my best friends mean to me, and how much I love them.

(just a sampling)

The good good health of Lavan, Seamus, and Little Cat and all the joy and life the bring to the apartment.

The opportunity to be a part of three absolutely magical weddings, Melissa and Dave, Nicole and Peter, and Robyn and Steve.

A job that at love to go to because the people are so fun and funny and we pull all sorts of rediculousness throughout the day.

The Year of the Serpent- being able to see my own creation performed, it was amazing.

My beautiful God Daughter, Hannah Rose

Arlington Street Church and church choir.

Being a part of Boston Theatre Review and getting to see so many wonderful shows this year.

and of course, Kaze Shabu Shabu.

I love you all, thank you for so many wonderful things to be grateful for.

Gentle.  Gentle, I tell myself in these wee hours of morning when I stand very precariously balanced between the sweet respite of slumber and the aching chasm of insomnia.  My little dog is peacefully sleeping beside my bed, stretched out trustingly- my orange cat is beside me, fast asleep on his back, the white fluff of his belly fur wafts gently in the wake of good old Lasko, my industrial window fan.  They almost mock me, these sweet creatures.

So I try to be gentle.  I try not to push my mind in any one direction.  I try to break out of the myriad of expectations that keep me walled here on this bed, lonesome, with slumber just out of reach.  I just cannot seem to free myself of it tonight.  I want to be a tattle tale.  I want to tell on myself- just get out the phone and run down my address book, calling everyone and confessing all that I have kept from them.  Once, just once, I want to be the one who ilicits the jealousy and not the one who feels it.  I don’t care how selfish that sounds, it’s true.  I want something enviable.  Or maybe I don’t.  Perhaps what I truly want, is sleep.

I’m feeling it rather hard today- jealousy knawing at me, fear knawing at me, the echo of handprints and bloody lips knawing at me- even after such a wonderful night- perhaps even moreso because I had a wonderful night- they creep in, try to take hold, and try to shake from my grasp any semblence of serenity.

Lavan is barking in her dreams, I’ve never heard her do that before.  Possibly it is God’s way of telling me to stop the panicking, stop the foolish self examination, and join her in sleep.  I think I shall try to take his advice, for my part.

I hope I can give you more, when next I give.

“I will both lay me down in peace, and sleep: for thou, LORD, only makest me dwell in safety” (Psalm 4:8)

…that He might be my shepard.

Despite being tired, today was a really very beautiful day.  The perfect temperature and the bluest most beautiful sky.  Lavan was happy.  I was happy.  And even though I have been mostly alone today, I don’t feel that sad.  I kept myself busy and appreciated the company of the animals, I took steps to actively not miss my roommate- as I have been all week, and did fine.  It was only just a moment ago that he flew in the door to grab a shirt for tomorrow and then hopped out without so much as a sentence.  I felt overwhelmingly sad watching the car headlights backing out of our driveway.  It was the leaving.  It is the leaving that is hard for me.  Not the sustained distance- mentally, physically, or emotionally- but the finite motion of breaking from someone without knowing if it is the last time.  Oh, I am aware that thought borders on emo and is just a touch melodramatic- but nevertheless, there it is.  Despite my best intentions, I tear up when I see someone I care about turn away and leave me.  I am my Mother waving at the bus as I drove off to board a plane to France.  I am every cliché movie soundtrack that swells as the brave army recruit salutes his veteran father, or the gaggle of school children present single flowers to a room of fire fighters.  I am the commemorative coin depicting the heroic rescue of some small child from some unfeasibly small gully.  There is nothing to be done.

I’m completely exhausted beyond any reasonable degree.  I got what I would consider to be a normal amount of sleep last night- a solid 5-6 hours, but almost from the point of my being awake, I was falling back to sleep again.  Even though I had Lavan with me at work, I still was drowsy in my office, and on the train.  I perked up a little at the dog park, where Lavan played with like 13 other dogs and had a blast and completely exhausted herself beyond any reasonable manifestation of her usual hyper dogness- so much so that she slept continuously from the point we arrived home, but that perkiness was not long held, for as soon as I settled into my couscous and Center Stage, I was fighting off my eyes closing.  I threw some laundry in and decided to play a quick game of Harvest Moon, but could barely keep myself from falling over and did dose off for a few seconds at a time several times.  I just don’t know what is making me so sleepy!  I would go see the doctor if I wasn’t afraid of what other things they would want me to do.

On Monday, I am going to try to start getting back to the gym on a regular basis, that might improve my health and mood and fatigue a little, but who knows really.

Ever Virgin.

I just encountered a foe so disgusting, so mind-numbingly horrendous that I have no words, in English or any other language, to describe it.  Certainly, none of you would question my love for Lavan.  She is the best dog a girl could ask for, and her love and devotion surely make up for the chaos and naughtiness that she some times brings upon our home.  But the kitchen floor that I battled tonight was so vile that not only did it make me doubt that Lavan should even exsist, it made me doubt that the whole canine species should exsist.  That’s how bad it was.

I don’t have a strong enough stomach to describe in detail to you the levels of filth that lived underneath her dog crate, but I will say that the crate will not be allowed in this house again until it can be completely fumigated.  I washed the floor twice and it is still in need of another cleansing.  As I watch her gaily run from room to room, I cannot help but wonder what it would be like to have such a simple life.  To be loved unconditionally even when I pee and puke on the floor.  To be contented chewing on the same rubber bone day after day and eating the same, sorry meal night after night.  But she is happy, bless her, and I am glad to have her.  But I might consider selling her to the gypsies if this ever happens again.  $3.99.

Ever Virgin

Welcome to 2009 my friends.  A year has flown by and I didn’t even notice and suddenly here I am in the last year of the 0’s without much claim to fame and without much to show for it.  I am not married to a baked bean tycoon, I have never touched a peacock, and I don’t live in a glorious castle on the French Riviera.  These things alone are reasons to note that my life is a failure, I am sure you would all agree.  I could go on all day listing the various things that I am not or haven’t done with myself in the last year, but instead I am going to give you the Shannon Rosa top list of things about 2008.

In February,  I had a Leap Year party and a LOT of people who mean a lot to me showed up.  Not only did I get to see lots of my every day and fudge friends, but Scot, John and Erin, and Mike Kinnally showed up too.  It made me feel extremely happy and loved to have them all there for me, and to celebrate the one extra day of the year!

In April, Jacob hosted a beautiful Seder dinner at the Woodlawn. It was hands down one of the most fun parties I have ever been to- the food was excellent, the company was excellent, there was a LOT of wine and good conversation, and everything looked beautiful.  It was really fun and silly to prepare for this dinner with no car, as we didn’t have one in April- you haven’t lived until you have seen Jacob carrying a 50 lb push cart up 5 flights of steps because it was so heavy the wheels broke off completely.

In May, the Woodlawn welcomed Lavan Celine Rosa-Krause into our lives.  She has been a whole lot of work, that is to be sure, but she has given us a lot of love and a lot of joy as she has grown from baby dog into big girl.  She has a lot of work to do before she is a really good girl, lots and lots of growing to do and less kicky lickying, but she has made this year a fantastic adventure.

In June, I spent several days on the Cape with a bunch of my friends first at Kristin’s Cape house and then later, Kyle, Jeremy and Jacob joined me for several days and I held a big party on Saturday night in Eastham where a bunch more of my friends came together to hang out with me.  Admittedly there were a few sticky moments in the week, but I think that makes it even better because you appreciate the good times more when you have something to compare them to. It was so wonderful to see friends from Stonehill, too.

In August, we had another addition to the family, Xander came home to be our third and final pet.  We took him from a litter of kittens from next door, because Jacob had never had a baby kitty of his own before.  The house seemed pretty full with Seamus, Lavan AND Xander, but we got used to it quickly as everyone found their own unique relationships with one another.  Lavan and Xander are especially playful together.

On September 1st, Jacob and I moved from The Woodlawn, to our new apartment, 60 Rue de Woodlawn- right next door!  Despite the fact that it was a mess and we needed to sleep on a mattress on the floor for almost two months while they fixed everything up, we were both extremely happy to get to stay on the same street we were on before and also have a space we could have control over without having to worry about any weirdo third room mates.  The best part about the new apartment is that it has a washer and dryer in the unit so we don’t ever have to lug our laundry any further than across the room to wash it.

In September, I started to teach my first class at Suffolk University, SU101.  It is a class which gives a support system to new students and helps to guide them along the path of responsible behavior.  I really liked a lot of my studrnts and admired their hard work.   It was also very cool to get to know some of the Suffolk incoming freshman and to make a friend of my TA, Matt.  He is an amazing kid with a lot of future potential and we were matched up VERY well.

Also in September, I auditioned for and was accepted into the Back Bay Chorale, a group of 100 singers in the metro Boston area who put on concerts of challenging classical music four times a year.  I was so nervous about trying out but I really felt strongly that I needed to do something to help me work out my voice and stimulate me intellectually.  I got to be better friends with our neighbor, Joanna, who is also in the chorus with me and made some other nice friends throughout the last few months.

In October, I got a bed.  No.  Seriously.  Since February, I was sleeping on my mattress on the floor and I had gotten to the end of my ability to see that as a good idea, so a trip to Ikea produced a beautiful black wrought iron bed for me to sleep on, and my wonderful room mate and his wonderful new boyfriend put it together for me one night while I was at choir rehearsal because they are sweet and thoughtful.

In November, I got to take my first trip to the Berkshires.  On our Thanksgiving vacation a combination of several of my dear friends traveled to Jeremy’s time share in the Berkshires for the holiday. We relaxed in a lovely, fancy suite and watched TV, knit, cooked, talked, and went in our exquisite jacuzzi bath tubs.  One of our favorite appointments was the fantastic pretend fireplace which shot out pretend flames and blew warm air at us while it hummed with pretend crackling fire sounds.  We also visited Mass MoCA and saw some spectacular art and dined at a delicious Chinese buffet.  On Thanksgiving day we cooked a feast of Cornish Hens and all the fixings and it was delicious and lovely!

In December, since my car had an unfortunate demise in the Berkshire Mountains, I purchased my very first brand new car.  It is a gorgeous silver Scion xD and I am completely in love with it.  Jacob helped me to pick out the best model and I scooped it up and drove it home!  No more fear about breaking down every time I leave the house.  I am happy to say that for the first time in my life I feel safe and secure leaving my house to drive somewhere.

And there you have it.  All these wonderful things happened to me this year, and looking at them all layed out like this makes me feel very proud- not bean tycoon proud, but pretty proud anyway.  Here is to another wonderful year of loving those I love and encouraging others who do not to find love and peace in their own way.

Ever Virgin.

I didn’t expect to be away for so long but the bandwidth on the site exceeded its limit whilst I was on vacation in the Berkshires.  I have a lot of things to talk about, and not the amount of time I need to devote to them at this moment, but I am sitting here in my living room, in the dark, because the internet won’t connect in my room and it occurs to me that I can give you all a little teaser of what is to come:

Farewell to my car story

Berkshires food blog

Vacation stories

Deep thoughts about church on week days

Lavan as a destructive force

You’ll find all this and more in a blog coming your way soon…or a few blogs…you know.

Ever Virgin.

I’m happy that Jacob is home.  He brought me back the prettiest opal pendant from Hawaii- I absolutely love it!  We’re thinking we might take our vacation to Hawaii instead of London this March- we’re real jet-setters.  He loved his birthday present and tomorrow we’re getting baby kitty from next door- so soon we’ll have three special friends milling around! Lavan was so excited to see Jacob and she’s very content that everyone that belongs in her family is back home.  She is currently passed out in bed beside me.

I’m exhausted already and it’s only Monday. This extra weekend of bare is killing me!  I am glad it’s happening though- I am really proud of all the hard work everyone has put in.  My favorite reviews are from broadwayworld.com, even though we got great reviews in a ton of publications.  We’re talking like a dozen reviews!  Also, the DASH awards were announced and F.U.D.G.E. picked up 6 nominations!   Kacee, Trevor, and SouixSanna got performance nominations, the vocal ensemble of I Love You Because got nominated, Props for Batboy got nominated and Joey got best director nomination for I Love You Because.  I’m very proud.  It has been a season filled to the brim with hard work.

I am looking forward to moving and settling in our new place for a few good reasons, but mostly because I am buying myself a new bed and bedroom set, a real one, for grown ups.  We’re going to have a baby grand piano so my prodigy can work on his music, and a real work table so I can scrapbook again.  I know I have to work slowly to find the things I desire, but sometimes I just want it all to happen right away POOF!!

I can’t seem to get enough sleep lately- perhaps because I was up almost every night Jacob was away- but its been going on for longer than that- my body is looking to recharge itself from fear and stress, and I just cannot seem to put it in a place long enough to keep it secure!

This is a pictorial representation of my 4th of July weekend. I had an absolutely phenomenal time, and even though I have hurt my back again, I look at this weekend as one of the best I’ve had in awhile.

On Friday, Jacob and I had a picnic in the back yard for a few people. Nothing big, but I made my famous

chicken wings

and Jacob made his famous

Jello flag cake.

We all sat around and had drinks, played the Wii, talked and had a very nice, very quiet, very stress-free time. When the evening fell, a few of us decided to head into Boston to see the

fire works.

It was very crowded but the display was beautiful, ever more beautiful than it is when you watch it on the television.

On Saturday Jacob and I had planned to go to the beach, but it was mild and overcast, not a good beach day at all, in fact, so we decided to alter our plans. We stayed in bed late and looked at a

DNA magazine together, before getting up and showering and tending to the dog. Then we got in the car and headed out for lunch at

the Texas Roadhouse. I had a little sirloin steak and my favorite ranch dressing on a salad. It was delicious. After lunch, we decided it would be a good idea to head over to our local neighborhood

Costco, to get a membership and do some shopping. We picked up a lot of good things for the house, and the both of us wanted to get a

memory foam pillow to replace our gross ones. We also headed over to petco to get Lavan a treat and then went out to Sports Authority to get a tennis racket for Jacob. We finished up our night at the coolest restaurant I have been to since I moved to Boston. I mean, anyone who knows me knows that I am a great fan of soup, but this is a totally fun and cool way to eat called Shabu Shabu. You dip things into broth to make a delicious soup as you eat and in the end you have this delicious, flavorful soup to eat with noodles. I loved it!! I want to go back again soon to eat more

shabu shabu!

Today, Jacob and I took Lavan to the park at Stonybrook, where he and Korland played a few rounds of

tennis. Lavan and I watched and also played fetch with a rogue tennis ball in a little fenced in part of the park. She loves to run off leash, and we finished up with a run through the sprinkler system they have set up for people to cool off on hot days. After a delicious late lunch of

hamburgers

stuffed mushrooms and

madeleines, I headed off to Wakefield for a first act stumble through of our summer musical,

bare.

All in all I had a wonderful, colorful, weekend and I would not change a thing, except perhaps throwing out my back again while lifting up the huge tub of kitty litter!!!

Ever Virgin.