Sometimes I have the fear that what is broken will never be mended.  Sometimes, I really do feel satisfied by that dangerous emo idea of the way it stings to feel the blood bubble up from a deep cut.  I know that has an air of ridiculous melodrama and attention grabbing, though it most certainly is not intended to be so.  Its just me thinking more of those deep thoughts I seem to tag so often.  I don’t actually want to cut myself, gross- I’m just saying that I understand why they do it- how it releases that heavy and all consuming hurt.  I remember having that much hurt in my heart.  I remember how impossible it seemed to do anything other than sit for hours in the pain of it.  I remember being so lost and so hurt that I was choking on my own hurt, puking up my own pain- trying with all of my might to expel from inside of me the horrible feeling.  I try not to feel that way any more.  

There are so many good things.  Good things everywhere.  Good things on all sides.  Good things coming at me from every direction, fizzling and crackling like a beautiful fireworks display, urging me to be happy, to be satisfied, to acknowledge that the small pains of the heart are nothing when compaired to the beauty of the human experience.  I know.  I know.  I try so hard to be that person, who with inner eloquence and strength of character, endures her pain straight-backed and smiling broadly.  It is really difficult.  I lose my way.  I need a shoulder to lean on and look around to find no one- or the hour is so late, that like Jesus in the garden, being tempted, all my best companions have gone to sleep, not willingly leaving me, just fading into their own greater purpose or worldly cares, leaving me alone with my cup.  And my cup is looking mighty full, and mighty tempting these days.  

I promised myself that life would pick up in 09.  But I did the same in 08.  I suppose it did pick up in 08, maybe just not quite as high as I’d prayed.  So I keep on trucking.  Is my homme gentile around the corner?  He might be.  I just have to be patient.  Or not.  Maybe I won’t be patient.  Maybe I need to be a fucking machine (not a fucking machine though) in order to power through this very, very bad feeling.  Its possible.  Very possible. 

I am going to go see Dirty Dancing with my roommate tonight- and I need to enjoy myself even though this day has had a tremendous amount of tension and upheavel already.  As hard as I try I just cannot seem to claw my way out of this tub of murky water.  

Cold, cold water surrounds me now
And all I’ve got is your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now,
Or am I lost?
No one’s daughter allow me that
And I can’t let go of your hand
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
Lord, can you hear me now?
or am I lost?
oooo, I love you
Don’t you know I love you
And I always have
Hallelujah
Will you come with me?
Cold, cold water surrounds me now 
Cold cold water surrounds me now 
And all I’ve got is your hand
Lord,  can you hear me?
Lord,  can you hear me now?
Lord,  can you hear me?
Am I lost with you?
Am I lost with you?
Am I lost with you?

Ever Virgin.

I look at you lying there

sleeping so soundly

sometimes I wish I could sleep as calm as you

and I bet in your dreaming I’m there

I look peaceful and maybe you’d assume

I’m lost in dreaming too

but despite how I try to close my eyes and join you

despite how I try to hold my breath and body still

despite how I try not to jolt you or wake you

I can’t sleep I don’t breath  I won’t move

Am I fufilled

I look at you lying there and I love you

I want to sleep for decades by side

but with you I’m restless I’m running on empty

I’m living a life  where I have comprimised

You’d think in my sleep I’d see you in my future

You’d think in my dreams I’d see our kids play on the lawn

you’d think in my nightmares I’m living life without you

You would think you would guess but I can’t sleep

So you’d be wrong

You have brown eyes and I love brown eyes

I love how you’re almost six feet tall

I love how we question if god’s really there

and how we hate christmas time at the mall

and on paper we’re great  and our stars are alligned

and it looks like it was all meant to be

but night after night I keep shutting my eyes

and I try but I find I cant sleep

I look at you lying sleeping without me

I bet you’d never guess my restlessness just grows

and while I want to shut my eyes and know the things you know

I can’t sleep I can’t breath I can’t move

How I wish I could wake you I wish I could jolt you I wish I could love you

but wishing that I’d loved you isn’t really loving

I suppose.

Ever Virgin

5 AM
Friday morning
Thursday night
Far from sleep
I’m still up and driving
Can’t go home obviously
So I’ll just change direction
‘Cause they’ll soon know where I live
And I wanna live
Got a full tank and some chips
It was me and a gun and a man on my back
And I sang ‘Holy Holy’ as he buttoned down his pants
You can laugh
It’s kinda funny
The things you think at times like these
Like I haven’t seen Barbados
So I must get out of this
Yes, I wore a slinky red thing
Does that mean I should spread
For you
Your friends
Your father
Mr. Ed
It’s me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven’t seen Barbados
So I must get out of this
I know what this means
Me and Jesus a few years back
Used to hang
And he said “it’s your choice, babe
Just remember
I don’t think you’ll be back
In 3 days time
So you choose well”
Tell me what’s right
Is it my right
To be on my stomach
Of Fred’s Seville
It’s me and a gun and a man on my back
But I haven’t seen Barbados
So I must get out of this
And do you know Carolina
Where the biscuits are soft and sweet
These things that go through your head
When there’s a man on your back
And you’re pushed flat on your stomach
It’s not a classic Cadillac
It’s me and a gun and a man on my back
And I haven’t seen Barbados
So I must get out of this
I haven’t seen Barbados
So I must get out of this

Ever Virgin. (because no one can take that away from you.)

Do you know what it’s like
To be in love with you,
To have my heart still love you
When my mind knows it’s not true?
Do you know what it’s like
To be in love with you,
Not to remember what my life was like
Before I first met you?
Do you know what it’s like when I lie in bed
And I think of you and the things you’ve said,
How they’re almost exactly all the things that I’ve said, too?
But there’s one word missing and it comes before ‘love?
And I think it doesn’t matter, what we have is enough,
But what we have isn’t “in” so I don’t know what to do?
Oh, do you know?

Do you know what it’s like
Not to be in love with you,
Not to have my heart obey
What my mind wants to be true?
Do you know what it’s like
Not to be in love with you,
But to like you, love you, cherish you,
idolize you and protect you?
Do you know what it’s like to look into your eyes
And see what I know you don’t see in mine
Though I pray it might be so the whole night through.
Do you know what it’s like
to have to let go of your hand
and to start another life, a life I don’t understand,
and live the rest of my life knowing how much I’ve hurt you?
Oh, do you know?

I know I’ll never find your lovin’ in anyone else,
Though I’ll try oh, and I’ll try?
And I know I’ll never find your smile in anyone else,
Though I’ll try oh, and I’ll try?
If someone were to come up to me
and say that they knew how
to love you better, I’d say,’Buddy,
step into the ring you’re going down.?
I’d fight a guy for you. I’d fight a girl for you.
I’d fight myself, you know I would,
If I thought it’d do any good.
Oh, do you know?

Ever Virgin.