There are times, it feels, when I pray so hard, so long, so loudly that for hours at a time I feel like I am screaming in my head.  I scream for help and guidance and I scream for an end for the crushing loneliness I feel.  I scream so longley and with such absolute fortitude that I cannot imagine that God does not hear me.  I’m clever.  I attempt to pray in the way we’re taught is best.  I don’t ask, “God, please send me a boyfriend”, I ask, “God, please help me to feel the blessing in the love that surrounds me.  Help me to be less selfish and less demanding.  Give me the strength to endure this time alone until it is the right time for me.”  Except the bully of it all is, no matter how carefully I phrase it, doesn’t God just hear, “please send me a boyfriend” anyway?  I don’t even want a boyfriend. I hate boys.  I just want to stop feeling this way.  I want the answer not to be, “find happiness in yourself- look not to other people’s validation for happiness,” but that isn’t the answer.  The answer is that my heart will forever feel like a wasteland until I am able to prove to myself that there is a time at which I am the first choice.  A time at which there is not another soul in the world greater or more important than I am to another human being.  I used to believe it wasn’t true by virtue of some deficiency in the way I looked.  Now I’m not so sure.  More and more I think I am just tragically flawed- another Manfred in a sea of Heros (minus the incest). I think I might be doomed to wander the cliffs alone forever until I am overcome with despair and hurl myself upon the rocky shoals below me.

I’m just tired of everyone elses boyfriends, I think…. or maybe I’m just tired.

That seems likely.

Ever Virgin.